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Dwarf Fortress Comedy, ... no thanks to Serephe

Nojj Pale Riders Autodueller Renegade Group: Rules Council Posts: 364 Joined: Jun 26, 2008 This is an open letter to Serephe, Why did you show me this game?  Its all I've been doing for the past 72+ hours.  I think I slept maybe.. I know I ate because of the crumbs on my bed.  And I remember my girlfriend saying something about stuff and bringing me somewhere... I don't remember what exactly because I was busy thinking about dirty dwarves.  You've stolen the last few days from me. Let me recount for you these Dwarven Tales... First Fortress   So I downloaded the game and a great tileset so there isn't ascii all over... Fired it up and created a world.  Easy enough I figure.  I start playing and find a plot with some trees and mountains.  I elect to Play Now! as that seems quickest.  Immediately I'm overwhelmed with information. One dwarf runs off to some pool of water and starts pulling up turtles which promptly start rotting away.  The rest of them start milling about.  There are animals playing by a cart and a cat runs around killing various vermin, leaving corpses which also start rotting. So I figure, lets start digging!  I work my way through the menu and figure out how to pause the game and designate mining locations.  I proceed to pattern out a large intricate maze of a mine into the mountain.  I unpause and lo and behold... only two guys start mining... really really slowly.  What gives?!?  Oh well, I figure I'll just assign other tasks and see what happens. I assign out tasks and away two more dwarves go to chop trees!  WEEE! So I have two miner dwarves digging tunnels, two woodsdwarves felling every tree in sight, a fisher dwarf murdering the local turtle population, and two more lazy dwarves sitting on the cart drinking all the beer.  Even the cat is doing something!  I have all this stone and lumber and I have no idea what to do with it.  So I abandon this fortress and decided that maybe I need to read a manual or something... Second Fortress Ok, I read a bit about how to do different things and various game mechanics.  I figured it was time to try again.  I start out the same, get the loggers going, start the miners on carving out some intricate mountain fortress.  I collect all the resources in to HUGE piles and pull my stuff indoors.  And thats when it happened... MASSIVE CLOUDS OF MIASMA ENGULFING EVERYTHING! OMG WHATS GOING ON!!!!  I pause the game and look through the announcements... nothing... I check all my dwarves... nothing... I look for any sign of whats going on... nothing. I wait a bit, but the miasma keeps going.  I choose to abandon this fortress to its murky fate and watch a video tutorial I saw online... Third Fortress Ok... the video tutorials are WAY too long at 40+ videos.  I watched the first few and learned what to look for in a starting location, that you can plan out everything you bring with you initially, and the first few steps to take when starting out.  Great, time to try again....  So I start out picking a spot like the video said, with good stone and a brook and some trees.  I start carving some simple rooms, build a carpenters shop, some farmland, bedrooms, and even a masons shop where I start making real stone blocks instead of the rough stone I've been using to build walls and what not.  I think everything is going swell and then it happens... MONKEYS!!! MONKEYS EVERYWHERE!!! They overrun everything and steal all my stuff!!  They take all sorts of stuff!  I can't even figure out what I have left!  MONKEYS!!!!  Fortress abandoned... Fourth Fortress  Ok... I took a break and thought it out.  I started again the same way, but THIS time I had a plan!  I was going to divert the stream of water and use it to form a moat around my work area.  This should stop those foul monkeys and any other attackers that might show up while I'm starting out. So I carve downward this time instead of into a mountain, this way I can localize my stuff and surround it with a defensive moat.  I carve out all the rooms and what not, plant my mushroom crops, set up all workshops indoors under the ground.  Now to dig the channel for my moat. I have the moat perfectly dug and now all I have to do is carve a channel in the last tile to connect it to the river.  WHAT!!! WHY IS THE WATER GOING EVERYWHERE??? WHY ISN'T IT GOING JUST IN THE MOAT???  I clearly made a mistake with the water levels and the channeling.  Now the river was filling up the interior of the area I had dug the moat around and was pouring downward into my fortress.  All the rooms filled with water....  Fortress abandoned. Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, Eighth, and Ninth Fortresses Ok I read a lot about the games mechanics and figured out a lot.  Time to try again  I pick a plot of land but THIS time I decided to set up my starting party myself.  Instead of two miners, I take five miners with other stoneworking and crafting skills split between them.  I take along ONE farmer who also cooks and brews more beer.  And the last dwarf is a ranger dwarf who has all sorts of woodworking skills and can swing that axe in a fight.  I dropped that second axe in order to bring more picksaxes and pay for skills.  In addition, I take along two dogs to breed and train as well as a cat to kill off vermin in the beginning.  This is my main party from here on out. Setting out, I picked a plot of land taking great care to find a quality spot with good rocks for construction as well as lots of ore.  There is a nearby brook for water as well as plenty of trees to use for various things.  With five Miner/Masons, carving out a fortress with real walls and fortifications is a lot faster.  Everything is going well, but there was one thing I did not plan for.... Foolishness on my part. In my haste, I ordered them to dig and channel in such a way that causes a cave in... two dwarves had broken limbs and one dwarf was basically a vegetable after suffering a mangling head wound.  Cave ins are bad and to be avoided...  Started again... again I make a mistake and cause a cave in that injures my dwarves.  This happens a few times before I learn how to be more careful about channeling and digging out mountainsides and being less complex about what I'm doing. Tenth Fortress Alright... This time I decided to keep it simple.  No fancy rooms, no huge endeavors.  Just dig out what I'm going to use and focus on setting up basics like bedrooms and a food supply.  All is well... no monkeys, no floods, no cave ins, no starvations.  Every dwarf has his own bedroom and the fortress is starting to come together.  Seasons pass and eventually traders come by.... and I have no idea what to do.  I've got no depot... I've got no trade goods besides mushrooms.  Again I was ill-prepared. So, I ask you Serephe, what do I do now?  Migrants came and I don't know what to do with them.  What should I make to trade with?  What do I do now?  You have sent me on this dwarven endeavor... help me! ......................... vet wv0,1,0 Posted Apr 1, 2010, 5:19 am

Serephe Collision Force Darkwind Guru Renegade Group: Members Posts: 3,496 Joined: Dec 9, 2007 You made me laugh out loud, and I thank you for that. For what to do with traders-- you'll need a building designer + mason/carpenter, depending what you make the depot out of, and a stonecrafter or whatever to make crafts in a... crafts workshop. Other people use food to trade with, as a skilled cook can turn out real expensive meals, but that's harder to do. Migrants, you can use to expand in any way you want... get them turning out crafts, get them tunneling, make them produce your armors from ores (which you dig up!) or even throw them all in the military (accessed with m) ......................... vet wv paintladder ww0,3,0 Posted Apr 1, 2010, 6:02 am

LoSboccacc Omnia vincit armor Darkwind Guru Renegade Group: Members Posts: 523 Joined: Feb 23, 2010 enter the legend of boatmurdered ......................... vet wv Posted Apr 1, 2010, 7:42 am

*Wolfsbane* Arbiters Darkwind Guru Badlands Truckstop Faction Group: Marshals Posts: 2,038 Joined: Oct 9, 2009 The basic things you need for a self sustaining and happy fort: Bedrooms for eveyone. Carpenters make the beds out of wood, and you designate the room from the bed. No need to assign it, they'll pick their own. 3x2 is enough for most dwarves. Stable food supply. This normally means indoor farming, and maybe animal breeding. Not too difficult if your start area has some layers of soil. Stable beer supply. Much more important You'll need a lot of barrels, which means a lot of wood. Traders are an excellent source of wood, once they like you enough to let you place orders with them. Defence. Using traps makes this super easy. For more of a challenge, use only doors and military dwarves. Chained up animals are good for spotting ambushes. Most of the other stuff is optional, at least until nobles turn up and start throwing their weight around. Good luck! ......................... vet wv marshal pvp2 cont Posted Apr 1, 2010, 10:13 am Last edited Apr 1, 2010, 10:13 am by Wolfsbane

LoSboccacc Omnia vincit armor Darkwind Guru Renegade Group: Members Posts: 523 Joined: Feb 23, 2010 doctors! for those who have the new version ......................... vet wv Posted Apr 1, 2010, 11:42 am

*Grograt* Grograts Gonads Darkwind Guru Renegade Group: Marshals Posts: 8,377 Joined: Oct 5, 2008 That was the best read in ages, please please keep us informed on your ill fated endeavours ......................... vet marshal wv community Posted Apr 1, 2010, 1:27 pm

Axiin Road Debris Sunday Driver Renegade Group: Members Posts: 68 Joined: Oct 13, 2009 Jeebus! I'm surprised more people haven't suggested or even seen this guy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koZUS2h-Yzc Follow ALL his tutorials, it'll tell you how to do EVERYTHING. ......................... vet wv combatL1 Posted Apr 1, 2010, 5:43 pm

*Zothen* Knights Templar Darkwind Guru Renegade Group: Marshals Posts: 841 Joined: Jun 11, 2007 Wolf already pointed out the basics for survival. Heres the financial expansion: To start trading build the depot at a spot where it can be accessed by the caravans. (in 0.31 you can check access with shift+d) Outside is a good start before you get the hang on depot access. Later you can set it up inside, so you can protect it better from the filthy goblin thieves. Next, build a craftdwarfs workshop and let the craftdwarf make mainly stonecraft (repeated, gives finished goods). If you have lots of turtle shells and bones use shellcrafts and bonecrafts, too. Very good to have a craftdwarf who can do both! If possible change the labor orders of the craftdwarf so he wont waste time by doing hauling jobs. Setup a stockpile for unfinished goods between the workshop and the exit to the depot so the haulers can store the stuff there. Learn to customize the stockpiles. Dont make some for stones - they get cluttered in no time, hehe! Craft lots of bins with the carpenter. Your dwarfs put them on the stockpiles so stuff can be stored inside the bins. (barrels are mainly for foodstuff) When you get imigrants setup another craftdwarfs workshop to expand the production of trading goods. When the traders arrive, access the depot and start to haul the "finished goods bins" to the depot. The traders unload and at some point the trade option at the depot gets available. Exchange stuff as you like. Remember that elves get very pissed if you offer them stuff from animals or wood. Also remember to take stuff of less value than you offer them, so they make a win and start to like you. Expand crafting goods with more workshops and start to make decorated stuff (bones and gems are handy here, so you might want to set up a gem cutter). Also dont forget to make more bins and larger stockpiles! Soon you will have a flourishing production. Oh, and never forget: Losing is fun! ......................... vet marshal wv Posted Apr 3, 2010, 1:07 pm Last edited Apr 3, 2010, 1:09 pm by *Zothen*

Tonic Engine Racer Renegade Group: Members Posts: 159 Joined: Feb 26, 2009 Yes, thanks a lot, Serephe. My IRL Darkwind friends will hardly speak to me, and my wife and kids don't love me any more, and it's all because of DWARF FORTRESS. Sadly, my initial experience wasn't as funny as Nojj's--just a bunch of dwarves dying of starvation and thirst. Now I've got a lovely volcanic island base and the dwarves are doing quite--oh, bloody hells, a dragon just incinerated 60 dwarves while my military beat on it with their shields. Now what's this about a succession game? I'm in. ......................... vet wv Posted May 26, 2010, 11:58 pm

4saken The 4saken Darkwind Guru Renegade Group: Members Posts: 2,282 Joined: Jan 1, 2008 Seeing as I am a big fan of Nethack and such things I have a suspicion I could really get hooked on this. BTW they make a decent Nethack for iPhone but sadly the save file gets corrupted about half the time. :[ So in this age of the intertubes is there anything to do with your fortress involving other people? Or is it a stand-alone single-player kind of thing? ......................... vet combatL1 wv1,0,0 Posted May 27, 2010, 4:51 am

LoSboccacc Omnia vincit armor Darkwind Guru Renegade Group: Members Posts: 523 Joined: Feb 23, 2010 there are the bloodlines games: each year when autumn comes you save your fortress and pass it on the next player. There is one egregious example: Boatmurdered (done by no less than the something awful forum) ......................... vet wv Posted May 27, 2010, 7:24 am

Tonic Engine Racer Renegade Group: Members Posts: 159 Joined: Feb 26, 2009 LoSboccacc said: there are the bloodlines games: each year when autumn comes you save your fortress and pass it on the next player. Let's do this!  ......................... vet wv Posted May 28, 2010, 5:24 am

LoSboccacc Omnia vincit armor Darkwind Guru Renegade Group: Members Posts: 523 Joined: Feb 23, 2010 ok, let's post there the waiting list! we'll start it when there are at least five years allotted, so to have a bit of continuity. each autumn we'll post the save on mediafire. after the save is posted you'll have one week to play your season (should be enough even for the most lazy players ) or your turn will be rolled back and the previous save used for the next ruler in line. so: first! note: it's strongly recommended to use the auto save options that saves at each season and pauses the game. just to be exceedingly fair ......................... vet wv Posted May 28, 2010, 7:26 am Last edited May 28, 2010, 7:27 am by LoSboccacc

*Wolfsbane* Arbiters Darkwind Guru Badlands Truckstop Faction Group: Marshals Posts: 2,038 Joined: Oct 9, 2009 second ......................... vet wv marshal pvp2 cont Posted May 28, 2010, 8:41 am

LoSboccacc Omnia vincit armor Darkwind Guru Renegade Group: Members Posts: 523 Joined: Feb 23, 2010 to entertain yourselves http://dfc.smackjeeves.com/comics/729795/sunderclasp-01/ while waiting... ......................... vet wv Posted May 28, 2010, 3:46 pm

Tonic Engine Racer Renegade Group: Members Posts: 159 Joined: Feb 26, 2009 third! ......................... vet wv Posted May 28, 2010, 7:13 pm

*Rezeak* The Dark Knights Darkwind Guru Deathrace Mafia Faction Group: Marshals + Storytellers Posts: 2,377 Joined: Aug 8, 2009 Fourth! I have no idea what's happening! ......................... vet wv deathrceL1 marshal pvp2 zom pvp3 Posted May 28, 2010, 7:34 pm

LoSboccacc Omnia vincit armor Darkwind Guru Renegade Group: Members Posts: 523 Joined: Feb 23, 2010 we're lining up as rightful rulers of the new outpost of $name_to_be_rolled! ......................... vet wv Posted May 28, 2010, 7:58 pm

*Rezeak* The Dark Knights Darkwind Guru Deathrace Mafia Faction Group: Marshals + Storytellers Posts: 2,377 Joined: Aug 8, 2009 What do we do? How do we play? What is going on?!?! ......................... vet wv deathrceL1 marshal pvp2 zom pvp3 Posted May 28, 2010, 8:13 pm

Groove Champion The Groove Champions Darkwind Guru Renegade Group: Members Posts: 4,813 Joined: Sep 16, 2008 Rez, I believe you're now fourth in line to have your legs chopped off at the knee. Being a dwarf (natural or "man-made") is a prerequisite for playing the game. ......................... vet combatL1 wv cont0,5,0 Posted May 28, 2010, 8:36 pm Last edited May 28, 2010, 8:36 pm by Groove Champion

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