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The Immortal Mister Kinlaw and the Dirty Liars Club, Too long to enjoy, I think
*manglemybadger*
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When the not-so-famous, almost dangerous, slightly-close-but-not-actually-cool gang Dead Celebrity loses a few members and has to initiate new fodder, we go to Dexter's or wherever just like everyone else does to find them.

I always bring Scraggly along as a technical advisor, because he has extensive experience with picking up guys in bars. But that isn't what I am here to talk about.

I am here to talk about the dirty liars.

You know the ones.

You head into Dexter's looking for some decent new recruits, maybe feeling a little vulnerable because you just spent 15 minutes after the last Death Race picking chunks of your best friend's lung out of your beard and mustache. You are optimistic though, because you see so many promising new faces!

So you walk around asking if anyone has any seat time behind some certain type of enormous vehicle-mounted weapon, and maybe one guy in the back pipes up...

"Yeah, mister! I been around the block a few times on a Heavy Machine Gun! In fact, I used to dismantle my old one every night, and sleep in a pile of its parts! Sure, it was anatomically difficult to make sweet, sweet love to each individual part, and sure it was a pain putting it all back together in the morning, but I really got to KNOW the weapon! Did I mention that I love heavy machine guns so much, I exclusively drink gun lubricant as a refreshment?"

So, needless to say, he talks a good game. You hire him spontaneously and without another word. He jumps in the back of the looted Marauder like a day worker, and you take him back to the secret clubhouse or wherever it is we all live.

It is not until later, after the paperwork has been signed and you have explained the dental plan, that you realize that he is not the Mister Hot-Sex-With-HMG that he said he was, but that he actually is an amateur cyclist that has no thumbs and talks to an imaginary pet hamster named "Frankie".

So I come to the origin of The Dirty Liar Club. The DLC is a small subgroup of the gang Dead Celebrity, filled with members who have lied to me about their skills. I am sure some of you have a similar "group" with a different name, or maybe I am the only vengeful bastard around. Mine has also been expanded to include people, from back in the old days, who do not have a name that fits with my gang theme. Their mission is simple: DIE! DIE! DIE!

But make me as much money as you can before you go.

Diabolically, I try to enter them into as many events as I can. If they win, I get money. If they die, I get revenge. It is a win-win solution for me that has worked wonderfully.

Until I hired the invincible James Kinlaw.

He heads my Chapter of Dirty Liars Club for two good reasons. One, he told me he had experience with Large Guns but turned out to be a medic. Two, his name does not fit my theme of famous dead people.

There is a Minister of Creation Science named James Kinlaw in the state of Florida. BLAH. Another James Kinlaw owns a chain of funeral homes in Alabama. NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. There is an accountant James Kinlaw in New Jersey. YAWN.

No James Kinlaw ever invented Velcro, led the Mongols as they sacked a city, starred in a string of slasher films, or sacrificed virgins atop a Mayan altar. It is a dead name, overlooked by history, and cursed with anonymity. It would be my pleasure to see him die, preferably in a huge fireball of melting metal, just after crossing the finish line in first place.

Unfortunately, though, like James Bond, this man WILL SIMPLY NOT DIE.

Bullets bounce near him, but rarely through. Direct rocket hits leave him with a smile and clothes smelling vaguely of smoke. Grenades bounce into his lap and he peels them like a hardboiled egg. I believe he only lost his eye because Scraggly scorched him with a flamethrower.
At point blank.
At 70 mph.
With all his side armor stripped away.
As the two cars crashed together repeatedly in an orgy of metal.

He doesn't always win the event, and he may not come back with the same number of body parts, but he is almost guaranteed to survive any combat I plunge him into.

I used to fantasize about sending him out in a shopping cart with a lawnmower engine that has half a roll of duct tape for armor and a rolled-up newspaper as the only weapon, but I know how that would end.

Thirty minutes later, like so many times before, he will be knocking on my door to request a replacement jumpsuit:

"The old one is full of bullet holes and is badly charred around the ankles", he will tell me.

"Why are you still alive?" I will ask him...

"Oh, and the helmet is a little dented from when I was thrown from the cliff and the Apache fell on my forehead...? he will answer.

?WHY. ARE. YOU. STILL. ALIVE? What manner of demon are you? Go back to your fiery pit and taunt me no more...?

?Oh, and is it alright if I come in late Monday morning? I am going to see the chiropractor. My back has been achy ever since that lorry ran me over. Twice. While I was on fire.?

?Good day, to you, Mister Kinlaw!? I will say, quite perturbed.

As he turns to leave my office, he does not hear the large caliber pistol slide from my holster. He does not hear the hammer #### back. He takes no notice of my huffing, excited breath.

He does not seem to even hear the explosion as the pistol misfires in my hand.

?Good night, boss?, he says as he shuts the door.


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vet combatL1 marshal wv

Posted Aug 17, 2007, 4:01 am Last edited Aug 17, 2007, 3:49 pm by manglemybadger
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haven't finished reading this excellent post.
One point though: Jake is the mechanic thief.
Dexter is the barman...

:rolleyes:

Edit: LMAO
I have finished reading this piece of Darkwind History.
It definitively needs to be moved to the official fiction part ot the forum (once names are fixed :rolleyes:)
LMAO

I almost cried while laughing. :cyclops: (Sam too it seems).
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vet cont zom slay2013 marshal wv

Posted Aug 17, 2007, 2:36 pm Last edited Aug 17, 2007, 2:43 pm by *viKKing*
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Laughed till tears ran down my face B)
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marshal vet deathrce1 paintladder combat1 wv ped1 cont slay20130,1,0

Posted Aug 17, 2007, 2:41 pm
*manglemybadger*
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Heheh, glad you guys liked it. I feared it was far too long for most.

Vikking, I think the post is properly edited, so you can move it, if you wish. I would have posted it there, but I actually intended to write it to initiate discussion about what people do with the extra fodder and dirty liars they recruit.

It just came out as something different...

I cut out the whole "Kill Kinlaw And Win A Car" Sweepstakes I was planning. I will add that as a second post, anyway. This one is already too top heavy...

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vet combatL1 marshal wv

Posted Aug 17, 2007, 3:45 pm
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Quote:
I almost cried while laughing. :cyclops: (Sam too it seems).


Although I have a nagging feeling that it's the slightly-deranged laughter of a pair of over-worked developers who see good-natured humour being poked out of their game. The real test is to see what other players think  ;)
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marshal vet deathrce1 paintladder combat1 wv ped1 cont slay20130,1,0

Posted Aug 17, 2007, 3:54 pm
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My face hurts from laughing.........My eyes sting from crying.....My brain swollen from the imagery!

That was fantastic.......Now if I could only get the visual of a Fat, pimply white guy sitting in his underwear typing out this kind of great reading!

Excellent!......Well done badger!
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vet marshal wv cont

Posted Aug 17, 2007, 6:55 pm
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*sam* said:
Although I have a nagging feeling that it's the slightly-deranged laughter of a pair of over-worked developers who see good-natured humour being poked out of their game. The real test is to see what other players think  ;)


This player occasionally gets the idea into his head that he is an accomplished writer, and he enjoyed the tale of Mister Kinlaw *immensely*. Dry wit, dramatic build-up, elegant use of exaggerated drama, proper amounts of nerdy symbolism, and constantly penetrating, badly hidden true hatred and bitterness all come together to dance in spirals of sarcastic and desperate joy!
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vet marshal wv

Posted Aug 17, 2007, 6:59 pm Last edited Aug 17, 2007, 7:22 pm by Ayjona
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a true confederacy of dunces. very well done! :cyclops:
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marshal vet combat1 race1 northernsummer combatL1

Posted Aug 17, 2007, 7:21 pm
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Ayjona said:
Dry wit, dramatic build-up, elegant use of exaggerated drama, proper amounts of nerdy symbolism, and constantly penetrating, badly hidden true hatred and bitterness all come together to dance in spirals of sarcastic and desperate joy!

That sums it up quite nicely.

:mad:During my brief time in Evan I have been taken in by the dirty liars club also. Usually when it is the worst time.  Down to my last few dollars, no drivers in my stable, and I get ever thing but a driver. Sure, now I have a medic, a mechanic, trucker, and what not but not what I needed which was a new driver!
Conversely to Kinlaw's law (unwanted characters that will not die) is the mystery that wanted characters die sudden unavoidable and horrible deaths. Leads one to the assumption that in Evan life is not fair.
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marshal vet gateautumn wv e2g0,1,0

Posted Aug 21, 2007, 5:01 am Last edited Aug 21, 2007, 5:04 am by Chase Bansi
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I just have to say every times i see a post from the Dead Celebrities my blood pressure drops, the best written down words ever written in these forums! :D
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vet marshal wv pvp3 zom circuit2 pvp1 cont

Posted Feb 26, 2010, 6:19 pm
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hehe quite a nice read. funny thing is - i never read this but i tag all the liars "liar driver" etc, and run them thru anything stupid i dont want to endanger my liked ones with. One of them leads my gang since quite the beginning.
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vet wv zom gateautumn raceL1 deathrceL10,4,0

Posted Feb 26, 2010, 6:56 pm
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This is just genius
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Posted Feb 26, 2010, 8:02 pm
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Agreed - excellent read!

As for my take on "the liar's club" - I just go for "best available" and use them anyway. :)
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vet marshal deathrceL1 wv community combatL1

Posted Feb 26, 2010, 8:03 pm
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I just pick the skill Id like then I just join them up anyway regardless....

they will either die quickly or last forever. no matter what they skill I stick them behind an HMG regardless of skill and when they protest I say. either shoot it or die. they learn fast enough...

or stick them behind a mortar and say either hit the targets or die.. your choice..

seems to work
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vet wv

Posted Feb 26, 2010, 9:58 pm
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B) Awesome Read.

Just think, if we have no more liars clubs tales like this will cease to exist, as will the fodder that I chuck into turn 1 at Junk 2 at 150+ miles an hour.
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marshal vet wv pvp4 zom cont pvp32,13,1

Posted Feb 26, 2010, 10:54 pm
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All the more reason to fix a flawed hiring system.

Now that the recruiter must to be in the town you want to hire your free character from, the hire system should have it so that if the recruiter is in the town you're hiring from, the free character you are hiring can’t lie to you.

By having the recruiter in town, it would allow him to “test” the skills of the free character he is hiring and prevent the “lying” foolishness. If you want a gunner and the guy can’t find the safety, you don’t hire him. If the driver you want to hire can’t shift a clutch, you don’t hire him.
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vet race1 deathrce1 wv zom circuit1 pvp1 northernsummer community circuit3 paintball56,218,129

Posted Feb 26, 2010, 11:50 pm Last edited Feb 27, 2010, 3:19 am by Lord Foul
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What spell has Sam put on us that it is ok to recruit someone who doesn't have the skills we are looking for? I'm not sure how or why the system got set up that way but to me it makes absolutely no sense through gameplay, roleplay or anyway.
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vet wv gwextrav e2g marshal pvp4 pvp3 pvp20,1,0

Posted Feb 27, 2010, 2:55 am
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Just roll with it Marc.......... Tuck and roll.......
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vet marshal wv cont

Posted Feb 27, 2010, 3:57 am
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I don't get why lying is a big deal anyway. He's nearly as useless at 20 as at 7. You have to train them first regardless.
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vet wv pvp3

Posted Feb 27, 2010, 6:26 am
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Foul said:
By having the recruiter in town, it would allow him to “test” the skills of the free character he is hiring and prevent the “lying” foolishness. If you want a gunner and the guy can’t find the safety, you don’t hire him. If the driver you want to hire can’t shift a clutch, you don’t hire him.


Agreed that Recruit skill should help weed out the lies, but without them, what's the skill for. At least that's how I have seen it. Not sure if it helps get characters with decent attributes (I think I mentioned this once before and it was confirmed that it did not help). I recruit in the town my recruiter is in, and have had real poor stats out of the last 10 guys I have hired. 56 is the max attribute I have received in these recruitments, and sub 30's many times. No much of a replacement for a 79 dex 79 spd super gunner. Not even worthy as fodder. My fame is not too good right now so I guess that's the reason.

5's Idea to pay extra (2-5K seems reasonable for the guarantee) and wait a day, paired with the recruiter skill, seems an obvious move for an experienced gang. The skill allows for this action maybe. The higher the skill the quicker the turnover time if hours rather than a day is possible.

Sorry for my usual long winded gibberish.
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marshal vet wv pvp4 zom cont pvp32,13,1

Posted Feb 27, 2010, 8:43 am
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