Jan/Feb
2105
The First Dream Event - The Full Report

We promised we`d give you a battle of legends. And we delivered. But, in case you werent around to see us go through with our promise, we give you the chance to relive the battle. The Darkwind Gazette brings to you the full report on:



The road towards providing you with the ultimate car battle has been a long one. The Gazette has withstood terrorist attacks, sabotauge, the loss of beloved co-workers, and the random destruction of property. Not to mention the loss of our pet badger.

But we persevered. And we struggled. And in the end, we provided.

The details surrounding the voting process and the selection of gangs is already well-known history. Emerging from the mists of time and obscurity, two of the first and most legendary road warrior gangs of Evan were selected by our brilliantly judgemental readers: none other than the founding members of the Gazette themselves, the Clarinbridge Crushers and the Road Ronins!

Early on, it was decided that no single event type could fully do justice to a face-off between these two mythical giants. So, a new concept was born:


The Dream Event Triathlon


In this collection of three different events, the Crushers and the Ronins would prove their strength through both racing, deathracing and combat.

To accompany these different challenges were three deadly venues and three equally deadly car configurations:





The first event, the pure racing challenge, was held along the Gateway Trench, in the thrilling and most probably killing DeVilles, the fastest race car ever driven across the deadly dunes of Evan.





The second event, the deathrace, took likewise place in Gateway, along the circular but no less deadly road of Dry Lake Track. The Sunrise was the combat speedster of choice, and the weapons configured according to the destructive setup christened the Rising Sun, where a front-mounted laser and a rear-mounted smokescreen blends together like fire blends with water [sooner or later, one of the two has to win, and extinguish the other], and the complementary mini-rockets mounted on each side provides a nasty surprise to any cocky deathracer who believes he can put himself out of harms way by staying on his opponents sides. In this part of the triathlon, each gang were given two cars each, for double the destructive potential.





And last, and in terms of survivor potential, certainly the least, is the Somerset Junkyard Arena, where the Road Ronins and the Clarinbridge Crushers finally had the chance to dispense of the pleasantries and them deathracing silken gloves, and face each other in an all-out battle for survival and, more importantly, the esteem of road warriors all over Evan. The vessels of choice for this bout of massive destruction was the Hearse configuration so aptly named Hellfire, with grenade launchers, flamethrowers, mounted rockets, rear-mounted rocket boosters and a brand new coating of nasty attitude. For this last, explosive event, each gang was given three cars each, to complement the triathlon spirit.

Let us start with the beginning, and finish with the end.

After all, this might be the end. But it is also the beginning.


The Race - DeVilles in DeTrench


The first triathlon sub-event, the race along the Trench in Gateway in DeVilles, was a quick and dirty affair. Unfortunately, thanks to a logistic issue involving Dexters and a certain pre-event party, our reporters were only present during the last part of the race. However, we have been able to reconstruct the event from hearsay and rumors.

Early on, after a very close blast-off, Rosemary `Mezcal` Perry of the Clarinbridge Crushers pulled ahead of the Road Ronins, just enough to make Gregory `Propeller` Ellis nervous. Nervous enough to zig when he should have zagged. A solid collision left the Road Ronin DeVille smoking and injured.





Any hopes on the part of the opposition that the Crusher DeVille would make a similar mistake were ionized as Mezcal Perry blasted her away through the twisted lanes and deadly curves of the Trench, to finish the race long before the Road Ronins even had the goalposts in sight. Propeller Ellis made his way to the finish line and past a disappointed fan base long after the Crushers had already hoisted Mezcal high into the air and thundered off to brag about their Crushing victory.


Clarinbridge Crushers 1 - Road Ronins 0



The Deathrace - Sunrising over Gateway


For the second event report, we have some very unfortunate news: on the way from the event, members of the devious and backstabbing pirate conglomerate The Empire ambushed our photographer and stole every single picture taken. But fear not, the Gazette is already scouring the towns for pictures taken by non-professional photgraphers, and will return will a full report on the deathrace as soon as we can put some color into the report.

But who crossed that finish line first, you already know. But we will say it again. If you had believed the first sub-event was any indication of the overall skill of the Road Ronins, you had better think again. The only remaining Road Ronin Sunrise ended the deathrace just seconds ahead of the only remaining Crusher Sunrise, and the previously so disappointed crowd of Road Ronin fans near tore the roof of the crowd stands with their cheering. And with even scores, the REAL Dream Event Triathlon had just begun...

Clarinbridge Crushers 1 - Road Ronins 1



The Combat - Hearseride in Somerset


With tied scores, northern Evan could not be more excited about the third and final face-off between Road Ronins and the Clarinbridge Crushers. And an exciting battle it was...



As a proof of their true mastery of the combat arts, the battle between the Crushers and the Ronins began in a way that would appear unremarkable to the uninitiated. Firmly rooted in their starting positions, both gangs put their grenade launchers to immediate use.

And the sky began to rain fire.







[The above picture have been edited to include additional information, in what our ballistics experts say is a very probable simulation of the damage inflicted by the grenade attacks]

Soon, the air was teeming with grenades, shrapnel, explosions and car parts as both gangs unleashed enough artillery fire to cow even the most frenxied badlands bandit. However, perhaps thanks to the tank-like construction of the Hearse, or, more likely, a testament to the skill of the legends involved in this battle, the rain of hellfire soon stopped, when both sides ran out of grenade ammo.

And the battle grew ever more intense and dangerous as both teams moved forward to engage their enemies with flamethrowers and mounted rockets. For the next minute, the audience watched in awe as Evans finest battled it out.







When the smoke cleared and the air had stopped vibrating from the collected heat of six flamethrowers and twice as many rockets, only one Crusher Hearse remained in action, with the two remaining Ronin Hearses on its tail. Things were going badly for the Crushers, and the Ronins team already lead by a considerable amount of points.

So Debbie Harry of the Crushers turned her wheel, and came to an important conclusion: force had failed the Crushers. So, the time had come for wits.



Quickly changing her course, she set off towards the gates on the opposite side. With the two Ronin vehicles close behind, Debbie used every trick known to the legendary Clarinbridge Crushers to outsmart her two pursuers, both more heavily armed and armoured by this point. From gate to gate she fled, dodging flame and rocket alike, and trying to find a way to claim points that the Ronins would not. Debbie Harry fled, and the Ronins followed.



Perhaps the Road Ronins were just smarter. Or, perhaps, wits will always fail against force, when force has rockets and flamethrowers on its side. But in the end, there was nothing the Crushers could do. The Ronins claimed every gate score the Crushers did, and with twice the number of cars, all the while dogging and battling Debbies wreck of a car.

So Debbie Harry turned her wheel one more time. And a desperate battle ensued.





When the flames had died down, medics were already hasting into the arena to carry Debbie to the Somerset Hospital. And as Albert Irby and Hazel Crum climbed up on the roofs of their Hellfire Hearses, the walls of the Somerset Arena shook with the thunder of jubiliation.

A new legend was born, and an old legend had turned to myth.

The Clarinbridge Crushers 1 - The Road Ronins 2


And so, without further ado, the Gazette hereby crowns the winner of the First Bi-Annual Darkwind Gazette Dream Event Vote:




The Darkwind Gazette wishes to thank all our sponsors and supporters in realizing this grand dream. Our heartfelt thanks to Dexters, Jakes, R.Inc., Arizona Autoparts, Mezcals, The Weapons Bunker, the Somerset Hospital, Crabby`s Children Toys, and all the workers and enthusiastic volunteers who helped us bring about the most destructive elite event in the history of Evan!

But this is not where it ends, dear rabid readers. This is where it begins. For in the next issue of the Darkwind Gazette, we will announce the two contestants in:


Bugged Out

Yet another gem from our missing editor manglemybadger.

What is that strange buzzing sound?

No, it isnt your moms handheld muscle relaxer keeping you up at night again, it is the sound one liter of sheer, unbridled muscle makes as a dusty boot presses down on the gas pedal. Belching black smoke from overhead exhausts, the tiny monsters line up at the Somersets gate, ready to sting like a swarming mass of killer bees. Killer bees with hepatitis-infected stingers. Actually, it is more like killer bees with stingers that have an advanced kind of hepatitis that kills as quickly as a bullet. And also envision everyone is allergic to bee stings of any kind, especially the instant-death hepatitis kind.

Wait, that doesnt sound cool at all.

Okay, forget the whole bee metaphor, and just remember there is a whole bunch of them and they are both dangerous and little

Cages rattle as clouds of dirt spit out from under the spinning rubber. Fingers are taut on machine gun triggers, and the filthy, sweating drivers spit dust and curse the sun.

It is time for the first Swarm Out of Somerset Event.

Tonight, and for one night only, since we will surely not live to see a second engagement, the Bumbleclot gang would like to cordially invite you to a buggy-only scout through the wastes, and most likely into the arms of your chosen deity.

Heres how you can participate:

1. Have a buggy available in Somerset. Only buggies are allowed! No other vehicles of any kind are permitted. Of course, you can attempt to convince us that Alphas are pretty much EXACTLY like buggies, and we are so gullible that we will believe you. So you can use Buggy Classic buggies, or the New-And-Exactly-Like-A-Buggy Alpha.

2. Customize your buggy, and spend moments of torment trying to fit that extra machine gun clip in there.

3. Consult your Dirty Liars Club Membership list for a driver. Nows the time to remember how that new guy you hired not only lied about being a gunner, but that he also always seems to smell like mayonnaise left out in the sun for a couple of days.

Hes really quite annoying, especially that high-pitched laugh of his.

Tell him you have a really important job for him. One that will earn him the respect of the others, at last. All he has to do is climb into that vehicle that looks a lot like an oversized go-cart and take out the Apache that has been peppering the towns walls with its Car Cannon.


4. Next, throw the patsy in the buggy, throw the buggy into the squad, and off we all go to Valhalla!


FAQ List:

Where is the event happening? Somerset.

Who is invited? Everyone that has an available buggy or an Alpha

When do we all die? Tonight.

What time? We dont know. As soon as we get enough participants, I guess. Just ask Scraggly, Manglemybadger, Seiler or Kelaparan about it, and we might actually know more than you. Maybe.

Why would I spend over 10,000 on a buggy, and commit a gang member to an event that will most likely end up with me losing both? Merely for the thrill! Imagine several buggies impotently swarming around a Symphony with no muffler being driven by a mutant with one leg and an eye patch. Watch how easily the Symphony kills 3 and flips over another 2! What a spectacle! How Existential of us to compete in such an event! Clearly it is some kind of inner-felt artistic expression!

Or maybe it is just fun to mess around a bit.


Then came the After Action Report:






Cars Or Tanks?

In an astounding display of brute force in Sommerset led by Toecutter; the opposing vehicles have met their doom. The other members in Toecutters team brought with average sized cars. Toecutter on the other hand led the team with a hummer. Superior sized vehicles with great armor and weaponry to go along with it makes for a great show.



The team began organizing their maneuvers and worked quite well with each other from the very beginning. While The Crusaders thought that the best strategy would be to divide and conquer, they failed to realize that size really does matter.

Smoke and fire rose from the hoods of cars as they began to turtle. One by one, The Crusaders` cars surrendered. A pick up truck driven by The Crusaders decided to attack from the rear of Toecutter`s hummer. The rear guns blasted from the hummer and fire erupted from the hood of the truck`s hood. Only moments later, the pick up truck surrendered.

The final car from The Crusaders had been a tricky vehicle. A hot car with flames running across the chassis certainly lived up to expectations. The driver began firing at the team`s vehicles, managing to disable one of the cars in the heat of the battle. The team quickly regrouped to take that hot car down. Sparks flew from all directions. Soon, not much was left of that vehicle as it went up in real flames.



After speaking to Toecutter after the great victory, he had this to say, When going into a scout it`s better to bring a tank instead of a car. This team proved that strength and size go hand in hand. Other members of the team included, 88 MPH, The Thug Matrix and Bourgeois Stalkers. A job well done to them all.

By Lunita Nesta

Jefferey Lebowski of Burnt Tree Security died at Road to Elmsfield.


Kristofer `Kite` Updike of Burnt Tree Security died at Road to Elmsfield.


Robert Marsh of Fish Heads died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


`Lucky` Lucille Alejandro of Canis Lupus died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Jeremy Devine of Collision Force died at Somerset Arena.


Jimmie `OH JIMMY` Dunham of KLINGON GIRL SCOUTS died at Gates of Badlands Truckstop.


Carl Weiss of Ricky Ranjits Raiders died at Scattered Hills.


`Deep South` Dixie Commander of The Reeking Pukes died at Somerset Arena.


`Tyler Durden` Edward Norton of Advanced Research Labs died at Smokey Hills.


Latoya Braithwaite of Riotous Assembly died at Forever Yellow Skies.


Rachael `Bad` Bach of Riotous Assembly died at Forever Yellow Skies.


Nell Berrios of Riotous Assembly died at Forever Yellow Skies.


Brad Rodriguez of The Thug Matrix died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Lane Harrison of Gearjammers died at Forever Yellow Skies.


Ulysses `S` Grant of Team Bansi died at Northern Desert Circuit.


Donald Hammond of GovermantResistance died at Lost Oasis.


Bobby Bias of Midnight Marauders died at Scattered Hills.


Juana Benham of the mad mad crushers died at Northern Desert Circuit.


Robert Dickey of Advanced RaceLabs died at Forever Yellow Skies.


Rose `Thorn` Sykes of Advanced RaceLabs died at Forever Yellow Skies.


Reginald `Red` Forman of Advanced Research Labs died at Forever Yellow Skies.


Suzanne `Headlights` Doe of Wasteland Extravaganza died at Gates of Elmsfield.


Shirley Velasquez of The Thug Matrix died at Road to Elmsfield.


Sean Hagans of the mad mad crushers died at Pathway to Darkness.


William Gonzales of the mad mad crushers died at Pathway to Darkness.


John Thomas of the mad mad crushers died at Pathway to Darkness.


Harry Hale of The PatPendings died at Northern Desert Circuit.


Joseph Cranston of Advanced RaceLabs died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Rodney English of MainForcePatrol died at Northern Farm Land.


John Price of Advanced RaceLabs died at Scattered Grounds.


Kimberly Francois of DeathFromAbove died at Northern Desert Circuit.


Terry Bobbitt of the mad mad crushers died at Sandy.


David Brown of DeathFromAbove died at Sandy.


Vincent `Lucky` Reynolds of Collision Force died at Lost Oasis.


Jacqueline Cobb of the mad mad crushers died at Road to Elmsfield.


Norma Planas of R.Inc. died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


King Kong of Somerset Strangers died at Interstate Mythos.


Michael Reed of Ricky Ranjits Raiders died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Halley Labarge of Edgerunners died at Lost Trail: Dead River.


Joel Mitchell of DeathFromAbove died at Road to Somerset.


`MOODY` Margaret Burke of KLINGON GIRL SCOUTS died at Road to Somerset.


`Dr` Ryan Watkins of Canis Lupus died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Hazel `Hungus` Nolin of The Reeking Pukes died at Road to Elmsfield.


Patricia `Spermbank` Tyner of The Thug Matrix died at Scattered Grounds.


Kent Fowler of -^-HellRazors-^- died at Road to Somerset.


Horacio Gorecki of Hawks Talons died at Road to Elmsfield.


Beaulah `Big Boy` Robinson of Fish Heads died at Gates of Badlands Truckstop.


Lillian `Edgerunner` Orr of R.Inc. died at Lost Trail: Broken Ground.


Demarcus `Dead Red` Roof of SD Rollers died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Norberto Cabezas of SD Rollers died at Road to Elmsfield.


`Corporal` Donald King of The Thug Matrix died at Road to Somerset.


Michael Smith of the mad mad crushers died at Somerset Arena.


Jeffrey Fields of the mad mad crushers died at Somerset Arena.


Steven `Ooops` Rosenthal of The PatPendings died at Sandy.


Donna Gamboa of R.Inc. died at Forever Yellow Skies.


Trey Hawkins of Hawks Talons died at Road to Elmsfield.


Alisha Miller of Hawks Talons died at Sandy.


John Sams of Hawks Talons died at Sandy.


Robert Lucas of The PatPendings died at Road to Elmsfield.


Curtis Hines of Riotous Assembly died at Scattered Grounds.


Don Reddick of The Ghosts died at Gates of Elmsfield.


Nadine Nordin of The Ghosts died at Gates of Elmsfield.


Jay Willard of Longos Merry Men died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.



Evan`s Most Wanted

The most wanted gangs in Evan today are listed below. The bounty listed for each gang is a combination of the amount offered by local vigilante groups and by disgrunted individuals, and represents the amount of money you would expect to be paid for each senior member of the gang you kill.

1. Forsaken Somerset: 7223.
2. KLINGON GIRL SCOUTS Somerset: 3809.
3. Warthog Badlands Truckstop: 700.
4. King Cobras Badlands Truckstop: 580.
5. Badland Rudeboys Badlands Truckstop: 560.
6. Phalanx Badlands Truckstop: 555.
7. Napalm Lullaby Badlands Truckstop: 538.
8. Black Flag Badlands Truckstop: 537.



Deathsport Leagues

The current leaders of Evan`s major leagues are as follows:

Somerset Combat League - Advanced RaceLabs
Somerset Deathrace League - Advanced RaceLabs
Somerset Race League - Forsaken
Evan Race Ladder - Initial Drift
Evan Deathrace Ladder - Road Ronins
Evan Arena Combat Ladder - The Reeking Pukes

There is currently one minor league in progress also:

Northern Semi-Pro Combat League - Monster Driver

Current DW Gazette Editors: Sam, Hati, Racing Robbie, Bastille, Rezeak, SmokeyKilla.