Mar/Apr
2058
Joels Bastards Win Somerset Pedestrian Combat #1 League

The Somerset Pedestrian Combat #1 League finished, with Joels Bastards taking the overall victory and a prize of $150000. The runners-up were Hogs of Destiny, and finishing in third place overall were Piglets of Fate.

PA Racers Win Somerset Race League

The Somerset Race League finished, with PA Racers taking the overall victory and a prize of $120000. The runners-up were Precipitous Treachery, and finishing in third place overall were Black berets.

an0maly Win Somerset Winter Warmup League

The Somerset Winter Warmup League finished, with an0maly taking the overall victory and a prize of $60000. The runners-up were Joels Bastards, and finishing in third place overall were PA Racers.

It came from the skies

Submitted by Slippery Jim of the stainless steel rats
*******************************************************
A mundane Tuesday morning. Your assistant drops your mail off on your desk. One packet catches your eye. After checking for the usual booby traps you open it. A photograph and an audio disk drop out.

The voice is distorted beyond recognition

********************************************************
`I am sending you this message anonymously as I believe I would be in grave danger if they knew that I contacted you. Trust me when I tell you that we may be facing the gravest threat since the solar apocalypse.

Aliens are here and they may be among us.

I was relaxing in Dexter`s several weeks ago when I overheard a drunken ganger in Rat Pack colors order a bottle of cactus poteen.`I need it after what I seen.` he said.

Initially I ignored him - drunk gangers are nothing new and everyone has seen things they`d rather forget in Evan.`Aliens...` he muttered to no one in particular. `Goddam aliens.`

Intrigued in spite of myself I joined him at his table. I offered him a smoke and soon I heard his story.

`Got ma car shot out from under me so had ta walk home. It`s tough but it happens. Sure enough about halfway back an` I feel the ground shakin` under my feet. Worm sign. So I grabs me shotgun and starts to run.` He paused for a drink.

`The damn thing comes up about twen`y meters in fron` of me so I open up. Bang! Bang! Bang! The damn thing keeps comin`. Bang! Bang! I shoulda remembered reloads.`

`Well - these boots are made for runnin` as well as walkin` so I figured it`s time to get the hell out of there but I knew it was prob`ly all over for me. Suddenly...the air changed. All the hairs on me body tried to stand on end. Right before me eyes the damn worm lifted straight up into the air. Straight up - wrigglin` as it went. I watched it till it was in the dust cloud an` then I ran till I couldn`t run no more.`

He looked me straight in the eye.

`Aliens took `im. Who`s next?`

He slumped back in his seat as the poteen finally overcame him.

His name was Nigel Mans. Within a week he was missing. No one has seen him since.

I didn`t really think much of it - there`s enough crazies around but at least his story had novelty value. Until last week.

I was in the The Grinne Uaile when a ganger came in wearing Stainless Steel Rat colors. Hell she was cute so I bought her a drink or two. She introduced herself as Celina. Turned out she had been traveling back from Firelight when the bandits got her vehicle. She was walking back with one of her gang when - aha - worm sign.

`I thought it was just heatstroke.` She said shaking her sunburned face. `We`d been walking for 8 hours. I saw the two worms and I started to run back toward Simon. As I did, I felt...something ..... something weird.

It felt like the air became thicker and my hair.. well .. like it was full of static. Simon gasped and staggered backwards so I risked a look over my shoulder. One of the worms was flying up straight into the air.

I carried on running but saw Simon snatch a camera from his pocket and take a snap.`

She drank deeply.

`He should have kept his gun in his hand because the other worm got him. Came right up behind him while he took the picture. I blew that worm away with my rifle. All I could do was pick up Simon`s gear and move on. Must have been an hallucination. Except for this.`She handed me a photograph.
`Keep it.` She said. `It reminds me too much of Simon.`

With that she finished her drink and left.

And now you have the photograph and the story. Watch for Celina.

They are here. They may be among us. Watch the skies.`


The message ends.


Zachary Morgan of Crimson Riders died at Shantyville.


Candy Caine of Paladins died at Gates of Somerset.


Curtis Newberg of Racontuers died at Somerset Rally Circuit.


Sterling `Duff` Duffy of Cowboys Unlimited died at Gates of Somerset.


Clarence `The` King of NoT-HiP died at Double Down Arena.


Gary `Slow-az` Goddard of Traction Action died at Lonesome Highway.


Jesse Rafter of Load Runners died at Somerset`s Junkyard, Race Track 1.


Kyle `Recon` Steinman of Headspace and Timing died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


John `JeyJey` Joyner of Desert Nomads died at Acid Land.


James `Mr. X` Exum of Desert Nomads died at Shantyville.


Mercy Lynn of Deranged Loaners died at Northern Foothills Racetrack (at night).


Rebecca `Never Fo` Gibbs of The Dionysian Dozen died at Northern Farm Land.


Jake Carney of Hogs of Destiny died at Somerset Arena.


Walter `Wallie` Young of 5ive Crew died at Somerset Dirt Racing Track.


Amy Villanueva of Load Runners died at Lost Oasis.


Avery Ellison of Justice Delivered died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


`Mister` Ralph Anderson of The Hasbros died at Lost Trail: Overland.


Ray `Exxon` Valdez of Crazy Canucks died at Bombed Luna Road.


`Raging` Kenneth Mauro of Mutant Liberation Army died at Double Down Arena.


Billy `Boy` Gilbreath of Mutant Liberation Army died at Sandy.


Jeanne Thompson of Vikingr died at Lost Trail: Overland.


Lucas Perez of Vikingr died at Lost Trail: Overland.


Jerome Gore of Vikingr died at Lost Trail: Overland.


John `Cockity` Cox of Precipitous Treachery died at Viper Canyon.


`Mighty` Mark Helms of CryptKeepers died at Lost Oasis.


Carrie Abbey of Infinite Improbabilities died at Gates of Somerset.


William Harris of MADHAT died at Gates of Somerset.


Raymond London of MADHAT died at Gates of Somerset.


`John` Jeffrey Carpenter of NoT-HiP died at Somerset Arena.


Lakiesha Moss of Psychopomp died at Northern Farm Land.


Daniel `Crocodile` Henton of Psychopomp died at Northern Farm Land.


Xavier `The Savior` Leblanc of The Sleepwalkers died at Via Rupta.


Freddy `Big` Mak of The Sleepwalkers died at Via Rupta.


Frank Lott of SeaDragons died at Firelight Dead Land.


Rodolfo `F.Aid` Washington of Vikingr died at Lost Oasis.


`Trigonometric` Roger Sines of Precipitous Treachery died at Forever Yellow Skies.


Richard `Alf` Shumway of The Wolfhounds died at Road to Elmsfield.


`Mad` Hattie Neblett of Hades, Chronos and Erebus died at Lonesome Highway.


Yvonne McLane of Hades, Chronos and Erebus died at Lonesome Highway.


Charles Tompson of The New Age Army died at Once Upon a Town.


Philip Brown of Piglets of Fate died at Gates of Somerset.


Jake Carney of Piglets of Fate died at Gates of Somerset.


Helen `of Troy` Nebel of Whiskey Runners died at Highway to Hell.


Pansy Ryan of THERAPISTS died at Gates of Firelight.


James Harris of Monkey Wrenches died at Lost Oasis.


Steve `This is` Houston of Longos Merry Men died at Double Down Arena.


John `Lug Nut` Massey of Rabid died at Gates of Somerset.


`Fast` Freddie Johnson of BBiscuts died at The Pits.


Dennis `Hopper` Powell of Justice Delivered died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Edward `Tank` Johnson of Justice Delivered died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Amos Zak of Deranged Loaners died at Northern Foothills Racetrack (at night).


Tony `Wheels` Krauss of Vikingr died at Gates of Elmsfield.


Gabriel Ullman of Deranged Loaners died at Somerset Rally Circuit.


`Blame` Richard Haney of Crazy Canucks died at Gates of Badlands Truckstop.


Roosevelt McTaggart of Scavengers Fury died at Road to Somerset.


Lynne Kennedy of Vikingr died at Northern Farm Land.


Darrell `Eagle` Picard of Flaming Engines died at Road to Elmsfield.


`Loaded Gun` Lorna Carter of Precipitous Treachery died at Forever Yellow Skies.


Frank Elder of Highway Hellriders died at Gates of Somerset.


`Scary` Mary Lacey of CryptKeepers died at Gates of Badlands Truckstop.


Joan `TheJuggernaut` Hamilton of CryptKeepers died at Gates of Badlands Truckstop.


Gilbert `Leg Breaker` Dunning of Shattered-n-Bloody died at Serpentine Road.


`Chubby Chaser` Noah Krier of Hogs of Destiny died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Bert `Alert` Perkins of Hogs of Destiny died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Agnes Powell of Load Runners died at Highway to Hell.


George Carter of madraiders died at Road to Elmsfield.


Anthony `Crazy Eyes` Campos of Racontuers died at Somerset`s Junkyard, Race Track 1.


Richard `No Comment` Brown of Maxxed Out died at Sandy.


`Born to Drive` Michael Scott of Maxxed Out died at Sandy.


Gabriel `the Greaser` Griggs of Maxxed Out died at Sandy.


Kevin `Scruffy` Edmonds of Maxxed Out died at Road to Somerset.


Jerry Smith of Woblly1 died at Acid Land.


George Lawson of Woblly1 died at Acid Land.


Walter Kovacs of Raging Scavengers died at Serpentine Road.


Sam `The Stranger` Elliot of Hades, Chronos and Erebus died at Gates of Badlands Truckstop.


`Orson` Scott Card of Justice Delivered died at Gates of Somerset.


Johnny `duce` Staley of The Pikers died at Canyon Joust.


John `FrogLegs` Jacques of Shattered-n-Bloody died at Burning Skies.


Murray Martel of Cowboys Unlimited died at Road to Elmsfield.


Crystal Hatcher of Coolerheads died at Somerset Arena.


Osvaldo Willis of Company of Geeks died at Smokey Hills.


`Medic` August McClary of Company of Geeks died at Smokey Hills.


Alicia Gregory of Company of Geeks died at Smokey Hills.


`Mardy` Margaret Arevalo of Company of Geeks died at Smokey Hills.


Dorothy Mantooth of Pigs o Porking died at Northern Farm Land.


Carole Yoon of Pigs o Porking died at Northern Farm Land.


Daniel Miller of Ordo Nox died at Road to Somerset.


John `Running Man` Porter of Ordo Nox died at Road to Somerset.


Walter `Hova` Carter of Pigs o Porking died at Once Upon a Town.


Alberto Vasquez of Pigs o Porking died at Once Upon a Town.


Noah Krier of Pigs o Porking died at Once Upon a Town.


Rick Mears of Roads to Madness died at Somerset Rally Circuit.


Peggy Pulaski of Big Liver died at Highway to Hell.


Judy Olmos of Big Liver died at Highway to Hell.


Jerome Gore of Vikingr died at Gates of Somerset.


Lynn Thomas of SlaughterHouse Bath and Lodgin died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


`Nike` Mark Parker of NoT-HiP died at Gates of Somerset.


Robert Tuttle of Vikingr died at Northern Farm Land.


Jose Carter of Vikingr died at Northern Farm Land.


Michael Fujimoto of Vikingr died at Once Upon a Town.


David Esterly of Vikingr died at Once Upon a Town.


Demetrius Johnston of Vikingr died at Once Upon a Town.


Jess Jones of Rabid died at Gates of Somerset.


Dee `Dum` Dee of Rabid died at Gates of Somerset.


Brad Roe of Piglets of Fate died at Northern Farm Land.


James `Crowbar` Fox of Rabid died at Northern Farm Land.


William `Buddy` Bryant of The Wolfhounds died at Gates of Somerset.


Brian `The Baron` Ledet of Mutant Liberation Army died at Gates of Somerset.


Harry `Furball` Eatman of Urban Achievers died at Northern Farm Land.


Maria Berry of CryptKeepers died at Lost Oasis.


Sandie Copeland of Fraggle Rock died at Double Down Arena.


Johnny Dark of Nightelves died at Gates of Somerset.


Gary White of Justice Delivered died at Scattered Grounds.


Charles `Hermann` Gerling of Justice Delivered died at Scattered Grounds.


Kendall Brinn of The Cosmic Kids died at Road to Somerset.


Kenneth Cook of Big Liver died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Jacques `The Frenchman` Horan of Big Liver died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Blanche Killian of Justice Delivered died at Northern Farm Land.


Thomas Butler of Nightelves died at Telegraph Road.


Donny Dixon of Nightelves died at Telegraph Road.


Andrew `heyugota` Sigman of Coolerheads died at Gates of Badlands Truckstop.


Robert Avila of Poole Pirates died at Northern Farm Land.


Marcus Macleod of Paladins died at Road to Elmsfield.


Devon `Bongwater` Blum of Rabid died at Blown With the Wind.


Larry Rambo of Rabid died at Blown With the Wind.


Etta Hawkins of Longos Merry Men died at Somerset Arena.


Antonio Gilliard of Afrika Korps died at Gates of Elmsfield.


Arthur `Lightfoot` Strader of Afrika Korps died at Gates of Elmsfield.


Sue `Bloody` May of Afrika Korps died at Gates of Elmsfield.


Daniel `Nuts` Rutter of Street Pizza died at Spooky Forest.


`Maj.` Sherry Mitchell of Hessians died at Somerset Arena.


Wilfredo Coley of Racontuers died at Somerset Arena.


`Sir` Richard Bowman of Road Templars died at Somerset Rally Circuit.


Abel Rentz of Ragnaks Reavers died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


John `Wayne` Grace of Justice Delivered died at Spooky Forest.


Guillermo `Gi` Roberts of Justice Delivered died at Spooky Forest.


Brian `Ham on 5` Mayo of Justice Delivered died at Spooky Forest.


Ivory `Too` Short of Justice Delivered died at Spooky Forest.


Alberto `Bertie` Ballard of Justice Delivered died at Scattered Grounds.


Renee Brown of Longos Merry Men died at Somerset Arena.


Rachel `Empress` Johnson of Abysmal Horrors died at Northern Foothills Racetrack (at night).


Stella `Persona` Friley of Justice Delivered died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Debbie Bailey of NoT-HiP died at Gates of Somerset.


Donnie Guzman of Vikingr died at Forever Yellow Skies.


Melissa Gonzalez of Company of Geeks died at Smokey Hills.


Vincent Mora of Company of Geeks died at Smokey Hills.


Tracy Zellmer of McOsamsung died at Double Down Arena.


Rema `Judas` Martins of The Rat Pack died at Northern Farm Land.


`Legless` Julius Ledezma of Company of Geeks died at Serpentine Road.


Antonio `The Hitman` Young of Psychopomp died at Northern Farm Land.


Benito `Boresight` Wilburn of Psychopomp died at Northern Farm Land.


Timothy `Sct` Buchanan of Vikingr died at Northern Farm Land.


Hector `Maverick` Cruz of The Light Brigade died at Southern Plateau.


Paul `The Stallion` Staggs of Precipitous Treachery died at Dead man`s Road.


Ronnie `Wheels` Turner of Whiskey Runners died at Road to Somerset.


`Swampy` Alan Myers of Whiskey Runners died at Road to Somerset.


David Britton of Abysmal Horrors died at Highway to Hell.


Gregory Stephenson of SeaDragons died at Northern Farm Land.


Ronald Roughton of SeaDragons died at Northern Farm Land.


`Eagle Eye` Mary Lara of Seekers died at Forever Yellow Skies.


Vernon Gonzalez of Fifth Legion died at Acid Land.


Antonio Suarez of The New Age Army died at Road to Somerset.


Veronica White of The New Age Army died at Road to Somerset.


Vincent Durant of The New Age Army died at Road to Somerset.


Nathan Roe of Hogs of Destiny died at Gates of Somerset.


Monica Brumit of Cork Soakers died at Road to Somerset.


`Bloody` Mary O`Keefe of Cork Soakers died at Road to Somerset.


Pamela `Big O` Conner of Whiskey Runners died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


John Fernandez of Roads to Madness died at Somerset`s Junkyard, Race Track 1.


Theodore `Wideboy` Rivera of Rogue Traders died at Somerset Rally Circuit.


James Marshall of Ordo Nox died at Somerset Rally Circuit.


`Dr.` Jon Medina of Hessians died at Scattered Grounds.


`Judgmental` Jonathan Cotto of Precipitous Treachery died at Pathway to Darkness.


Anthony Melendez of SeaDragons died at Telegraph Road.


Kathleen `Kitty` Carson of Justice Delivered died at Pathway to Darkness.


Paula `Williamina` Tello of Justice Delivered died at Pathway to Darkness.


Omar Griffin of Deserters died at Forever Yellow Skies.


`Marigold` Maribel Huber of NoT-HiP died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Robert Butterfield of Kaizoku died at Northern Farm Land.


Robert Mueller of The Vermin died at Somerset Arena.


Kimberly Kent of The Vermin died at Somerset Arena.


`WO1.` Marcos Henry of Hessians died at Somerset Arena.


`MGySgt.` Paul Hamlet of Hessians died at Somerset Arena.


Donna `Tracker` Stone of Axis of Weevils died at Forever Yellow Skies.


`Dastardly` Dean Magnuson of Precipitous Treachery died at Somerset Arena.


`The Actress` Shiela Kelley of Precipitous Treachery died at Somerset Arena.


Leonora `Rockin da Van` Tran of Justice Delivered died at Northern Farm Land.


Angela Riggs of Justice Delivered died at Northern Farm Land.


Mary `Bowlegged` Owens of Justice Delivered died at Northern Farm Land.


Ivan Bybee of Kaizoku died at Northern Farm Land.


Ingrid Wheat of Kaizoku died at Northern Farm Land.


Judy Crepeau of The Cosmic Kids died at Spooky Forest.


Craig `The Hitman` Scott of Hogs of Destiny died at Northern Farm Land.


William `Drew` Cary of Afrika Korps died at Road to Elmsfield.


Genevieve Daly of Psychopomp died at Gates of Somerset.


Bruce `boom boom` Murray of PA Racers died at Oil Slick.


Victor `Torpedo` Sanchez of PA Racers died at Oil Slick.


`pig meat` Jared Hutson of v.i.n.d.i.c.a.to.r.s. died at Somerset Rally Circuit.


Mark Varney of Justice Delivered died at Once Upon a Town.


Darren Baker of Justice Delivered died at Once Upon a Town.


David Cox of Justice Delivered died at Once Upon a Town.


`Chilli Boy` Charles Cordero of Death Storm Militia died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Wilma `Dearing` Pearson of Justice Delivered died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


`Eastender` Steven Mitchell of Poole Pirates died at Gates of Badlands Truckstop.


Justin Huerta of Hogs of Destiny died at The Pit.


Giuseppe Pesina of Triumph died at Gates of Somerset.


Sandra Miller of an0maly died at Once Upon a Town.


Darryl Strode of Black berets died at Road to Somerset.


Randy `Tell me a` Story of Street Pizza died at Gates of Badlands Truckstop.


Mercedes `Mamita` Olivarez of Scarzams Dragoons died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


`Bad` George Harris of MADHAT died at Northern Farm Land.


Lea `Redrum` Mueller of Whiskey Runners died at Road to Somerset.


Neil `Stitches` Hale of Whiskey Runners died at Road to Somerset.


Ruth `Less` Eaton of Whiskey Runners died at Road to Somerset.


Joey `JD` Smith of Headspace and Timing died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Andrea Dame of Rabid died at The Pit.


Susan Goley of madraiders died at Northern Farm Land.


Paul `The Fixer` Shier of madraiders died at Northern Farm Land.


`Runaround` Richard Ramos of an0maly died at Canyon Joust.


Nathan Arias of Hot Trax died at Lost Trail: Overland.


Marcus `Star Wars` Hamilton of Hot Trax died at Lost Trail: Overland.


Wesley `Silver Dollar` Shellenbarger of The Hasbros died at Dead man`s Road.


`Michael` Clay Madsen of The Hasbros died at Dead man`s Road.


Herbert Kuhn of Coolerheads died at Gates of Somerset.


Ricky Venable of Nightelves died at Somerset`s Junkyard, Race Track 2.



Liars

When the not-so-famous, almost dangerous, slightly-close-but-not-actually-cool gang Dead Celebrity loses a few members and has to initiate new fodder, we go to Dexter`s or wherever just like everyone else does to find them.

I always bring Scraggly along as a technical advisor, because he has extensive experience with picking up guys in bars. But that isn`t what I am here to talk about.

I am here to talk about the dirty liars.

You know the ones.

You head into Dexter`s looking for some decent new recruits, maybe feeling a little vulnerable because you just spent 15 minutes after the last Death Race picking chunks of your best friend`s lung out of your beard and mustache. You are optimistic though, because you see so many promising new faces!

So you walk around asking if anyone has any seat time behind some certain type of enormous vehicle-mounted weapon, and maybe one guy in the back pipes up...

Yeah, mister! I been around the block a few times on a Heavy Machine Gun! In fact, I used to dismantle my old one every night, and sleep in a pile of its parts! Sure, it was anatomically difficult to make sweet, sweet love to each individual part, and sure it was a pain putting it all back together in the morning, but I really got to KNOW the weapon! Did I mention that I love heavy machine guns so much, I exclusively drink gun lubricant as a refreshment?

So, needless to say, he talks a good game. You hire him spontaneously and without another word. He jumps in the back of the looted Marauder like a day worker, and you take him back to the secret clubhouse or wherever it is we all live.

It is not until later, after the paperwork has been signed and you have explained the dental plan, that you realize that he is not the Mister Hot-Sex-With-HMG that he said he was, but that he actually is an amateur cyclist that has no thumbs and talks to an imaginary pet hamster named Frankie.

So I come to the origin of The Dirty Liar Club. The DLC is a small subgroup of the gang Dead Celebrity, filled with members who have lied to me about their skills. I am sure some of you have a similar group with a different name, or maybe I am the only vengeful bastard around. Mine has also been expanded to include people, from back in the old days, who do not have a name that fits with my gang theme. Their mission is simple: DIE! DIE! DIE!

But make me as much money as you can before you go.

Diabolically, I try to enter them into as many events as I can. If they win, I get money. If they die, I get revenge. It is a win-win solution for me that has worked wonderfully.

Until I hired the invincible James Kinlaw.

He heads my Chapter of Dirty Liars Club for two good reasons. One, he told me he had experience with Large Guns but turned out to be a medic. Two, his name does not fit my theme of famous dead people.

There is a Minister of Creation Science named James Kinlaw in the state of Florida. BLAH. Another James Kinlaw owns a chain of funeral homes in Alabama. NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. There is an accountant James Kinlaw in New Jersey. YAWN.

No James Kinlaw ever invented Velcro, led the Mongols as they sacked a city, starred in a string of slasher films, or sacrificed virgins atop a Mayan altar. It is a dead name, overlooked by history, and cursed with anonymity. It would be my pleasure to see him die, preferably in a huge fireball of melting metal, just after crossing the finish line in first place.

Unfortunately, though, like James Bond, this man WILL SIMPLY NOT DIE.

Bullets bounce near him, but rarely through. Direct rocket hits leave him with a smile and clothes smelling vaguely of smoke. Grenades bounce into his lap and he peels them like a hardboiled egg. I believe he only lost his eye because Scraggly scorched him with a flamethrower.
At point blank.
At 70 mph.
With all his side armor stripped away.
As the two cars crashed together repeatedly in an orgy of metal.

He doesn`t always win the event, and he may not come back with the same number of body parts, but he is almost guaranteed to survive any combat I plunge him into.

I used to fantasize about sending him out in a shopping cart with a lawnmower engine that has half a roll of duct tape for armor and a rolled-up newspaper as the only weapon, but I know how that would end.

Thirty minutes later, like so many times before, he will be knocking on my door to request a replacement jumpsuit:

The old one is full of bullet holes and is badly charred around the ankles, he will tell me.

Why are you still alive? I will ask him...

Oh, and the helmet is a little dented from when I was thrown from the cliff and the Apache fell on my forehead... he will answer.

WHY. ARE. YOU. STILL. ALIVE? What manner of demon are you? Go back to your fiery pit and taunt me no more...

Oh, and is it alright if I come in late Monday morning? I am going to see the chiropractor. My back has been achy ever since that lorry ran me over. Twice. While I was on fire.

Good day, to you, Mister Kinlaw! I will say, quite perturbed.

As he turns to leave my office, he does not hear the large caliber pistol slide from my holster. He does not hear the hammer cock back. He takes no notice of my huffing, excited breath.

He does not seem to even hear the explosion as the pistol misfires in my hand.

Good night, boss, he says as he shuts the door.

-----------------
Reproduced for The Darkwind Gazette by viKKing
Written by Badger

Evan`s Most Wanted

The most wanted gangs in Evan today are listed below. The bounty listed for each gang is a combination of the amount offered by local vigilante groups and by disgrunted individuals, and represents the amount of money you would expect to be paid for each senior member of the gang you kill.

1. 8ounty 8astards (Somerset): $1876.
2. Precipitous Treachery (Somerset): $648.
3. Longos Merry Men (Shantyville): $485.
4. Monarchs (Shantyville): $382.
5. THERAPISTS (Badlands Truckstop): $351.
6. Midville MONDOs (Gateway Truckstop): $270.
7. Black berets (Elmsfield): $182.
8. Hogs of Destiny (Somerset): $110.
9. Precipitous Treachery (Elmsfield): $91.
10. The Light Brigade (Somerset): $83.



Big Time Professional

In the past month, the most prolific gang on the Professional deathsport circuit has been Precipitous Treachery, having competed in 7 events. Are these guys intent on getting famous, or are they just in it for the money?

Movers and $hakers

This list shows just who has been winning the most lucrative prizes on the circuits and arenas of Evan, during the past month.

1. 12th Street Bangers: $796800.
2. NoT-HiP: $579607.
3. 5ive Crew: $498589.
4. Midville MONDOs: $449900.
5. Ragnaks Reavers: $420094.

Views From a Gunslit

Sometimes .... just sometimes we all have to take the long walk home, either we run out of the precious fuel or those MGs take their toll on our ride.


Image courtesy of Google


It is on these occasions you get to see those sites you only hear about and hope never to come across.

Burned out Cities, entire areas set waste by the sun


Image courtesy of Google


Old forms of transport now homes to the mutants, their usefulness taken away from us with the rise of the radiation. Now just memorials to an older and calmer time.


Image courtesy of Google


Our reporters see this everyday, they become some what immune to the anguish and pain that emanates from these lost areas of civilization.

*Grograt*


Pimp Your Rust Bucket

Its been a rush to get the Gazette out this week, most of our reporting staff have had major gang issues, leaving just your resident editor to do all the work.

Here we have some great pimping yet again, here in the office the Rev V `American Angel` has to be our favorite site, leaving the gates of Somerset.

The Kreeps keep to their hallmark dark and rugged look, hoping to mingle in with those pirates.


Image courtesy of Google



Image courtesy of *Wolfsbane*



Image courtesy of Google



Image courtesy of Google


If you have some gang paint you want to see here in the Gazette, just contact us, im sure we can find someone with a working camera to sniff you out ion the wilds.
*Grograt*


Blast From The Past - The Road To Firelight



Roads blocked by broken mountains and shattered earth. Hidden by radioactive mist and clad in poisonous gas that seem to seep and rise from the very ground itself. Resting on a small island in a sea of lava. Or, perhaps, locked away for eternity in the calm eye of the wildest darkwind storm that has ever ravaged Evan.

You`ve heard the rumours. And you are not alone. The Darkwind Gazette has heard them too. Buth not until recently, did we believe for a second that there might be truth hidden away beneath the layers of lies, hearsay, tall tales and lava.

But after a new wave of reports of a place high up in the mountains, a town hidden away where no town should be, a haven for bandits, pirates, mutants and deviants, began to trickle back to the civilization of northern Evan, we decided it was time to stop leaving well enough alone. Just like any proud wastelands warrior would never leave a member of the Rudeboys to swagger back to his bandit camp alive, the Darkwind Gazette would not let those few wisps of information escape our grasp and flee back the way they came.

So, in a bold move unprecendented in the journalistic history of Evan [and possibly in the history of mankind], the Darkwind Gazette selected two of its finest cars, two of its equally fine drivers and reporters, hired members of the Forsaken, the most trusthworthy protection avaliable on this side of Sarsfield, and left known lands to set out on a journey with a single pursuit in mind:

To bring to you, our rabid readers, the first report in history of what transpires along the

The Road to Firelight

We left Badlands Truckstop a murky, dusk-clad afternoon. The convoys of traders and small bands of roaming bandits that usually inhabit and infest every turn of the road in the near vicinity of Badlands Truckstop were conspiciously absent, and the eerie silence that had settled across the land pressed in on our vehicles, and filled our hearts and minds with a fear-laden sensation of ominous foreboding.



That foreboding sooned turned to embarassed realisation as the first members of the Badlands Rudeboys came thundering out of the hills, just a few miles south of Badlands Truckstop. It`s entirely possible their interest in us can be ascribed to a healthy interest in things normal for any badlands bandit - the Forsaken tanker pickup riding in front, brimming with the black gold of the wastelands, the possibility of Gazette profits hidden away in our trunks, or simple the sheen of our brand new, and very desireable, Gazette vehicles.



Yes, it is entirely possible, and under most circumstances, it would have been probable. But none of us could disregard the looks shot our way when we walked into the Grainne Uaile and asked for a car brave enough to take us far to the south. So while it is possible the Badland Rudeboys came for us for the same reasons they attack just about anyone who attracts their attention [being alive is usually a good way to achieve this effect], it is just as likely one of those sideways looks from the Grainne Uaile travelled a long way, beyond the gates of Badlands Truckstop, and found itself accompanied by a sizeable sum of money, when someone payed hard cash to make sure that the prying eyes of the Darkwind Gazette would never reach the one place where criminals and misfits are still free to ply their awful trade - Firelight.

So, we did what any reporter faced with overwhelming odds in unfriendly territory would have done: pointed our cameras out the back window, waited for the enemy to get close enough for some good close-up shots, and ran like radioactive strains on the wind!

Of the unbearable days and desolate nights out in the wilds I need not speak to any of our readers who have ever been lost in the wastelands. Suffice to say that we travelled for days, through terrain more inhospitable than the most dangerous roads between Badlands and Morgan, on the run from an enemy as persistent as ever-present, under a sun determined to finish what the Solar Apocalypse once started, and with a constantly thinning supply of water and food. Not to mention photo reels. To this day, I believe that had it not been for the burning need to know that fuels any true journalist, the respect and neutral standing that the Gazette officials carry in the wastelands, and the selfless and ardent protection offered by the brave scouts, drivers and gunmen of the Forsaken, the Darkwind Gazette would never have been able to reveal to you what it is about to reveal.

Yes, of those unbearable days and desolate nights I need not tell you any more.

But I will show you, in high-resolution pictures, with descriptive captions:



This snaking road, christened the Serpentine Pass by early explorers, offered just as much protection from enemy fire as it was hazardous. I could not say if the blessing was greater than the curse.



The enemy that so doggedly kept on our heels seemed to always grow in number, in spite of the the countless of cars and lives contained within The Forsaken mercenaries bravely disposed of.





And then, just as the sun broke from the darkened clouds, we finally emerged onto flat ground.

And this is the sight that met our eyes...



Among broken buildings far too old to have been erected at any point during the last hundreds of years, we fought a final, bitter battle. When it was over, ten enemy vehicles littered the plateau we had emerged upon, in various states of disintegration. The four last remaining cars of our once proud convoy turned yet another bend.



And as cars of which like we had never seen emerged from the mists behind us, painted in dancing colors of black and smoke, their shapes as quick and shifting as the darkwinds themselves, the road beneath our wheels became straighet, and smoother. In what now seems like a fleeting and distant dream, we fled along that road, thundering past one broken building after the other, the wolves at our heels coming constantly closer, our goal just as distant and fleeting as the myths that surrounds it. The brave warriors of The Forsaken was between us and them, the night grew thick and solid, and time churned and slowed, until we could no longer remember a time when we had not raced along that distant and desolate higway, pursued by cars the color night and bone, lost in a rolling mass of bodies and souls, a stygian ocean of sliding dead, one being at one moment, a collection of dreams and memories the next.

And then, time returned.

They came in all around us. And they died all around us.



But two Forsaken cars, even piloted as they were by the finest warriors we have ever fought with, could not stand against the tidal wave of vehicular darkness that crashed down upon us. And as I felt the impact of the first two machine gun rounds striking the rear of my Gazette Sunrise, as I cursed myself, my burning need to know and my folly in ever believing in something so foolish as the myths of Firelight, the mist parted, and something rose from the darkness like the radiactive rays of the unforgiving sun burns away the night over the wastelands when morning comes.

It was a city.





Glenda Dickinson of the Edgerunners and Cheryl Thompson, still flanked by the proud and stalwart protectors of The Forsaken, finally reached the gates of Firelight. Inside its walls, they found shelter from the hordes of the Badlands Rudeboys and the far more mysterious and fearsome enemy they encountered on the final road to Firelight, but instead faced dangers far more subtle, and insidious, than any car canon-equipped mutant buzzer...

Our Firelight Feature continues in the next edition of the Gazette, in
Firelight Feature pt. 2: Firelight, Firefight and Fireflight.

- Glenda Dickinson of the Edgerunners, for the The Darkwind Gazette


[If any of our readers desire the services of The Forsaken, you are welcome to visit the office of the Darkwind Gazette in either Somerset or Elmsfield, and we will put you in touch with the right people. Better yet, ask around for a man named Gubby, and you might just find yourself lucky enough to be riding side by side with some of the finest guardians the Darkwind Gazette has ever entrusted its people to.]

Evan Leagues

The current leaders of Evan`s major leagues are as follows:

Evan Race Ladder - Loro4
Evan Deathrace Ladder - Road Templars
Evan Arena Combat Ladder - Road Templars
Evan Paintball Combat Ladder - Road Templars

In addition, the leaders of the minor leagues are:

Somerset Race League - Murphys Law
Somerset Pedestrian Combat #1 League - Joels Bastards
Northern Paintball League - Joels Bastards
Circuit of Evan Wilderness Rally II League - Bladerunners
Circuit of Evan Wilderness Rally I League - Scarzams Dragoons
Somerset Winter Warmup League - an0maly
Northern Semi-Pro Combat League - Special Circumstances



Political Update

Relations between the mutants and anarchists are reported to be at an all-time high following the announcement of an arranged marriage between the daughter of a high-ranking member of Sabretooth with one of Mad Mac`s sons.



Pimp My Rustbucket

The most well-known vehicles currently active in Evan are listed below. Have you seen these vehicles out on da streets?

1. Dragon`s Breath owned by Road Templars.
2. Dragon`s Breath owned by Road Templars.
3. Mentor I owned by Hitmen Trucking Inc.
4. Bronx Cheer owned by MADHAT.
5. REAPING MAULER owned by Road Templars.
6. Forsooth owned by Hitmen Trucking Inc.
7. Beholder owned by Highway Hellriders.
8. Flailing Demon owned by -^-HellRazors-^-.
9. Counter Point owned by Hitmen Trucking Inc.
10. Bone Crusher owned by The Cosmic Kids.
11. Trainer I owned by Hitmen Trucking Inc.
12. Medusa owned by Highway Hellriders.
13. Joe Boomer owned by Joels Bastards.
14. Response owned by Hitmen Trucking Inc.
15. PunKampfWagen owned by Joels Bastards.



Cheri Fowles

One of today`s most famous scouts is a member of Broot Force - we are referring of course to Cheri Fowles.
Current DW Gazette Editors: Sam, Racing Robbie, Ayjona, JD_Basher, Bastille, Rezeak, Fifth, SmokeyKilla.