The Bi-Annual Darkwind Gazette Dream Event Vote

The Darkwind Gazette welcomes its readers to the first Bi-Annual Dream Event Vote!

Be you a road warrior, deathrace fanboy, long haul merchant or despicable pirate, the Dream Event Vote will satisfy your lust for legendary destruction and destructive legends, as the Darkwind Gazette offers you the chance to vote for the face-off of a lifetime!

Over the course of the coming two months, our readers will have the opportunity to vote for the two high-profile racing, mercenary, trading and bounty hunting gangs they would most like to see face off in an epic battle of skill and will. And when those votes have been collected and counted, we will make your dream come true.

That`s right, dear readers. The Darkwind Gazette will sponsor and arrange the Dream Event in accordance with the results of your votes, and we`ll make sure that the legends of your choice will be out there on that day, with nothing between each other but an inch of steel, and an hailstorm of mechanical hatred worthy of the greatest road warriors this side of Firelight!

Want to see your vote determine the event your grandchildren will reproduce with toy cars fifty years from now? Head on over to the Gazette office [behind and to the left of Jake`s, first ramshackle shanty on your right], and cast your voice for a more violent tomorrow!

The Immortal Mister Kinlaw and the Dirty Liars

When the not-so-famous, almost dangerous, slightly-close-but-not-actually-cool gang Dead Celebrity loses a few members and has to initiate new fodder, we go to Dexter`s or wherever just like everyone else does to find them.

I always bring Scraggly along as a technical advisor, because he has extensive experience with picking up guys in bars. But that isn`t what I am here to talk about.

I am here to talk about the dirty liars.

You know the ones.

You head into Dexter`s looking for some decent new recruits, maybe feeling a little vulnerable because you just spent 15 minutes after the last Death Race picking chunks of your best friend`s lung out of your beard and mustache. You are optimistic though, because you see so many promising new faces!

So you walk around asking if anyone has any seat time behind some certain type of enormous vehicle-mounted weapon, and maybe one guy in the back pipes up...

Yeah, mister! I been around the block a few times on a Heavy Machine Gun! In fact, I used to dismantle my old one every night, and sleep in a pile of its parts! Sure, it was anatomically difficult to make sweet, sweet love to each individual part, and sure it was a pain putting it all back together in the morning, but I really got to KNOW the weapon! Did I mention that I love heavy machine guns so much, I exclusively drink gun lubricant as a refreshment?

So, needless to say, he talks a good game. You hire him spontaneously and without another word. He jumps in the back of the looted Marauder like a day worker, and you take him back to the secret clubhouse or wherever it is we all live.

It is not until later, after the paperwork has been signed and you have explained the dental plan, that you realize that he is not the Mister Hot-Sex-With-HMG that he said he was, but that he actually is an amateur cyclist that has no thumbs and talks to an imaginary pet hamster named Frankie.

So I come to the origin of The Dirty Liar Club. The DLC is a small subgroup of the gang Dead Celebrity, filled with members who have lied to me about their skills. I am sure some of you have a similar group with a different name, or maybe I am the only vengeful bastard around. Mine has also been expanded to include people, from back in the old days, who do not have a name that fits with my gang theme. Their mission is simple: DIE! DIE! DIE!

But make me as much money as you can before you go.

Diabolically, I try to enter them into as many events as I can. If they win, I get money. If they die, I get revenge. It is a win-win solution for me that has worked wonderfully.

Until I hired the invincible James Kinlaw.

He heads my Chapter of Dirty Liars Club for two good reasons. One, he told me he had experience with Large Guns but turned out to be a medic. Two, his name does not fit my theme of famous dead people.

There is a Minister of Creation Science named James Kinlaw in the state of Florida. BLAH. Another James Kinlaw owns a chain of funeral homes in Alabama. NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. There is an accountant James Kinlaw in New Jersey. YAWN.

No James Kinlaw ever invented Velcro, led the Mongols as they sacked a city, starred in a string of slasher films, or sacrificed virgins atop a Mayan altar. It is a dead name, overlooked by history, and cursed with anonymity. It would be my pleasure to see him die, preferably in a huge fireball of melting metal, just after crossing the finish line in first place.

Unfortunately, though, like James Bond, this man WILL SIMPLY NOT DIE.

Bullets bounce near him, but rarely through. Direct rocket hits leave him with a smile and clothes smelling vaguely of smoke. Grenades bounce into his lap and he peels them like a hardboiled egg. I believe he only lost his eye because Scraggly scorched him with a flamethrower.
At point blank.
At 70 mph.
With all his side armor stripped away.
As the two cars crashed together repeatedly in an orgy of metal.

He doesn`t always win the event, and he may not come back with the same number of body parts, but he is almost guaranteed to survive any combat I plunge him into.

I used to fantasize about sending him out in a shopping cart with a lawnmower engine that has half a roll of duct tape for armor and a rolled-up newspaper as the only weapon, but I know how that would end.

Thirty minutes later, like so many times before, he will be knocking on my door to request a replacement jumpsuit:

The old one is full of bullet holes and is badly charred around the ankles, he will tell me.

Why are you still alive? I will ask him...

Oh, and the helmet is a little dented from when I was thrown from the cliff and the Apache fell on my forehead... he will answer.

WHY. ARE. YOU. STILL. ALIVE? What manner of demon are you? Go back to your fiery pit and taunt me no more...

Oh, and is it alright if I come in late Monday morning? I am going to see the chiropractor. My back has been achy ever since that lorry ran me over. Twice. While I was on fire.

Good day, to you, Mister Kinlaw! I will say, quite perturbed.

As he turns to leave my office, he does not hear the large caliber pistol slide from my holster. He does not hear the hammer cock back. He takes no notice of my huffing, excited breath.

He does not seem to even hear the explosion as the pistol misfires in my hand.

Good night, boss, he says as he shuts the door.

Reproduced for The Darkwind Gazette by viKKing
Written by Badger

Evan`s Most Wanted

The most wanted gangs in Evan today are listed below. The bounty listed for each gang is a combination of the amount offered by local vigilante groups and by disgrunted individuals, and represents the amount of money you would expect to be paid for each senior member of the gang you kill.

1. THE EMPIRE (Somerset): $12756.
2. SplashandBurn (Somerset): $363.
3. Black Flag (Badlands Truckstop): $354.
4. Warthog (Badlands Truckstop): $280.
5. Napalm Lullaby (Badlands Truckstop): $203.
6. Forsaken (Somerset): $171.
7. Third Avenue Mutilators (Gateway Truckstop): $126.
8. Smoke me a kipper (Somerset): $105.

Most Active Gangs

You`ve tired of seeing them on the circuit every time you visit. Every time you leave town, you seem to run into them. But just who are they - who are the most active gangs in Evan right now?

The most active gang on the deathsport circuit has been Thug Matrix. Their most favoured type of event has been the combat, although they have also competed in numerous deathrace events.

Out of town, the most busy squads have been:
1. Los Banditos Morados, owned by SD Rollers.
2. Rad Ninjas, owned by Advanced Research labs.
3. Carbusters, owned by SplashandBurn.
4. Wabbit Hunters, owned by Forsaken.

Leagues Roundup

As the year progresses, here are the leaders of the major leagues:

Somerset Combat League - Fish Heads
Somerset Deathrace League - Clarinbridge Crushers
Somerset Race League - Lupos
Evan Race Ladder - The BAMFs
Evan Deathrace Ladder - Gearjammers
Evan Arena Combat Ladder - THE EMPIRE

There is currently one minor league in progress also:

Northern Semi-Pro Combat League - Advanced Research labs.

Note that the Northern Summer League also kicks off this month, and runs from May-August.

Dear Crabby,

Where are you?


I Don`t Pour Gas In Your Toilet, Don`t Pee In My Gas Tank

Dear Crabby,

I rely on your wisdom to guide me through the wastelands. I always rip out the Crabby pages of each Gazette, and stick them to my side windows, so that I can always read your soothing words when danger is upon me. There is nothing to see in the wastelands anyways.

But during my last encounter, a very rude young lady, a member of Xena`s Angels, had the nerve to shoot a rocket at my left front window. I got by with only one lost eye and heavy disfigurement, but my last copy of the Crabby column did not fare so well!

I have a gaping hole to my left, through which the ugliness of the outside world shines through. Please, take pity upon us and resume your spiritual guidance!


Not A Straight Shooter

Dear Crabby,

I finally exchanged my exposed engine for a smaller one. However, I got ripped off in the deal, cannot afford pants anymore, and am now facing an ENTIRELY different exposure problem!

People aren`t treating me coldly anymore, but definitively no more friendly than before. Help!


Exposed and Alone In Somerset

Jacquelynn Gonzale

Never confuse courage with stupidity. Jacquelynn Gonzales was one hell of a corageous woman. But she was not stupid.

So when they came for her, along the road to Gateway Truck Stop, Jacquelynn knew all too well that her days were numbered, and that those days were quickly counting down to one. She knew that death came for her on wings of steel and with talons of chemical hatred. She as not stupid. But Jacquelynn Gonzales never backed down.

I wish someone had told the old gal that bullets cannot be cowed into submission. Not even with her force of will. But it`s too late for that now. So, instead, tonight we drink to your memory, Jacquelynn, and when we have drunk enough to make up for every drink you will never taste, we will climb into our cars, and head out across the plains.

And Jacquelynn`s killers will come to know that when we fight to avenge a fallen comrade, every member of R.Inc. fights just as bravely as Jacquelynn Gonzales.

- Hazel `Disposible` Sinclair

I`m sure Robert saw them coming. He never missed a thing. Robert `Pink` Floyd saw EVERYTHING.

He saw them long before they crested the sand dunes. He saw the Arachnids coming long before they were upon him. He knew them from the roar of their engines, the dust clouds that rose behind, and the stillness that fell over the plains in their wake.

He saw them, and he knew them. But there was nothing he could do to stop them.

He could handle a gun better than the next man. His hand was a steady one, and his feel for the road delicate enough to let him race with the best and still stand proud. But with armor worn down from fighting along the road to Somerset, a car rifle pointed his way, and enemies aplenty and coming up fast, no skill could have brought Robert back home alive that day.

The first shot dug a bloody tunnel through the side of his car and through his body, but when the Arachnids reached the wreck of his car, Pink was long gone, running across the plains, holding himself together by will and hope and courage, staggering ever closer to the gates of Somerset and the arms of his comrades.

Our arms found Pink, a few miles out, dead from thirst and blood loss. Our arms carried him back home, broken and empty. And our arms put him in the ground, surrounded by friends, kin, lovers and allies.

Robert `Pink` Floyd did not die a heroic death. But Robert `Pink` Floyd lived a heroic life.

And his eyes saw everything.

- Dictated by Carlos Santana, leader of the Gearjammers, and put to paper by the hands of Jon Tannen of the Edgerunners

Robert Tucker of Gearjammers died at Gates of Elmsfield.

Ruth Martel of Ricky Ranjits Raiders died at Highway to Hell.

Devon Munoz of Forsaken died at Pathway to Darkness.

Matthew `Hollywood` Kieffer of SplashandBurn died at Pathway to Darkness.

Ryan Alcaraz of Forsaken died at Blown With the Wind.

Eddie Burnett of Barna Bombers died at Somerset Arena.

Elizabeth Navarro of COCO AND THE BURPERS died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.

Dale `Intimidator` Earnhardt of Gearjammers died at Somerset Arena.

Nina Holmquist of Forsaken died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.

Zane Eoff of wintech racing died at Somerset Arena.

Boyd Knapp of Gearjammers died at Road to Elmsfield.

Jeff `J.D.` Blakley of Gearjammers died at Road to Elmsfield.

Keith Oliva of Riotous Assembly died at Highway to Hell.

Walter `Henry` Ford of The Interceptors died at Road to Somerset.

Don `The Snake` Prudhomme of Gearjammers died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.

Aida `Smoke Em` Wilborn of Fish Heads died at Gateway Dry Lake Track.

`Lucky` Lewis Meriwether of Team Bansi died at Scattered Grounds.

Benjamin Henning of The Ghosts died at Northern Foothills Racetrack (at night).

Shelly Hopkins of Forsaken died at Scattered Hills.

Eula `Licence` Hacker of Advanced Research labs died at Somerset Arena.

Russell McGhee of Bionic Coal Robot Smasher Regi died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.

Michael Navarro of The BAMFs died at Road to Elmsfield.

Long Wang of SD Rollers died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.

Frank Castle of SD Rollers died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.

Ada `Lovelace` Phelan of Advanced Research labs died at Scattered Grounds.

Garfield `Not Funny` Catron of Advanced Research labs died at Scattered Grounds.

Marc `Browning` Dunn of Advanced Research labs died at Scattered Grounds.

John Hines of COCO AND THE BURPERS died at Gates of Somerset.

Brandon `Barnas Hero` Greene of Barna Bombers died at Somerset Arena.

`DaDerpDeeDerp` Rob Schneider of Advanced Race Labs died at Somerset Arena.

Ruth Rocha of THE EMPIRE died at Gates of Somerset.

Floyd Persaud of Mizcreantz died at Somerset Arena.

Angel Pagan of SD Rollers died at Gates of Elmsfield.

Lonnie `Lo Roll` Riojas of SD Rollers died at Gates of Elmsfield.

Thomas `Steampunk` Kingsbury of Advanced Research labs died at Scattered Hills.

Robert `Firepower` Buehler of Advanced Research labs died at Scattered Hills.

Terence McKenna of Advanced Research labs died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.

Anthony `John` Madden of Gearjammers died at Lost Trail: Broken Ground.

Scott `Rad Ninja` Hicks of Advanced Research labs died at Highway to Hell.

Cassandra Garcia of SD Rollers died at Somerset Dirt Racing Track.

Edward Buchanan of Forsaken died at Blown With the Wind.

Cheryl `Happy` Holliday of Riotous Assembly died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.

`Formula One` Sterling Champion of Riotous Assembly died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.

Steven `J.` Hyde of Advanced Race Labs died at Forever Yellow Skies.

`CJ` Jose Carlson of Advanced Race Labs died at Forever Yellow Skies.

Leon `Scott` Kennedy of Advanced Race Labs died at Forever Yellow Skies.

Michael `Sir Roger` McBride of Smoke me a kipper died at Gates of Elmsfield.

Jean Wright of Smoke me a kipper died at Gates of Elmsfield.

Tammy Becerra of Advanced Research labs died at Scattered Hills.

Brandon Parks of Thug Matrix died at Blown With the Wind.

`OH DONNIE BOY` Donnie Spencer of THE EMPIRE died at Pathway to Darkness.

Dominic `PENATRATOR` Jenkins of THE EMPIRE died at Pathway to Darkness.

Edward Church of SD Rollers died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.

'Stealthy' Steven Simms

One of today`s most famous scouts is a member of Lupos - we are referring of course to 'Stealthy' Steven Simms.

Current DW Gazette Editors: Sam, Hati, Racing Robbie, Bastille, Rezeak, SmokeyKilla.