Mar/Apr
2046
Mambas Maniacs Win Somerset Pedestrian Combat #1 League

The Somerset Pedestrian Combat #1 League finished, with Mambas Maniacs taking the overall victory and a prize of $150000. The runners-up were Jacks Gunslingers, and finishing in third place overall were Armoured Angels.

From Our Firelight Correspondent

By Sheila `Ma` Smith

Firelight is a forbidding place. For many, the very name is synonymous with Hell on earth, the Inferno as envisaged by Dante or Hieronymous Bosch, a Ragnarok where the dead stalk the land and the fires of Judgement Day spew forth from a blasted landscape.

To the brave and foolhardy crew of Cuddle Fiesta and Drive Backwards BFFs, it is a land of opportunity.

Harry Dong leans on the bonnet of a flame-red Flail. He cuts an ominous figure because, like every one of the BFFs, he wears a white, featureless facemask. As he speaks, the leathery sock puppet on his left hand moves in sync with his words.

`Nah-one scouts ere.` The puppet`s mouth opens and closes. I catch a glimpse of a tattoo on the leather and realise that the puppet is made of tanned human skin. `Nah-one. They`re just pussies. But we know. We know what`s aht there. And it`s good stuff.`

Willie Nelson agrees. `I ain`t been scouting here long, but the pickings are good. Worth the risk, I reckon.`

Jesus Christ - a blasphemous pseudonym in a ravaged land - doesnt speak. Willie throws a glance in his direction and shrugs. `Greenhorn. He`ll lighten up soon enough. Hey, Harry, where`s Long anyway?`

Harry shrugs and the puppet speaks. Around. Somewhere.

`You two ain`t fighting over that mutie broad again, is ya? She ain`t worth it, I tell ya.`

Harry shrugs again. The puppet`s mouth opens and shuts without a sound.

* * *






Half an hour later, we are sweating our way up the jagged solidified lava that passes for the road between Badlands and Firelight. Our crew looks solid enough: three musclecars with horse- and firepower. The sun hangs low in the sky, illuminating the dancing motes of ash and dust that hang in the air. Gouts of flame jet heavenwards as the tortured earth vents its inner bile. A violent eruption draws my eye, and when I turn my attention back to the road, the mutants are everywhere.

Ahead, a Buzz Cut and an Eliminator block our path. An Antagonist and a Radon Rancher hold our right flank. A Beaster - a monstrous van with reinforced plates welded to around the front - threatens to block our retreat.

`Charging a buzzer on a hill ain`t so smart`, says Willie. `Bootlegger it.`

We throw the vehicles into a sharp turn and accelerate down the rocky hill. Behind us, the Antagonist opens up with a car rifle, round after round finding the tail end of Willie`s Phoenix. Smoke pours out and for a moment, I fear a lucky strike has found the engine. But it`s the blue-grey cloud of a smoke generator covering our retreat.

`Pay attention, love, for Gawd`s sake.` Harry`s voice crackles on the radio. `Watch your 2 o`clock.`

I look round. The Beaster is careering across the rocks to cut off our retreat. I swing the wheel hard left, but it`s too late. With a sickening crunch, the reinforced plates welded to the Beaster`s frame crash into my side and the Sunrise flies off the road into a jagged lava field. The van driver slides his van sidewards and crunches into the BFF Flail, turning it through 180 degrees.



I wrestle to regain control, swearing as I feel all four of the tyres explode on the unforgiving rock. I hear Willie Nelson cry out in pain as a bullet all but severs his leg, and a spume of black, oily smoke spills from his engine.

`So, we all gonna die?` I ask, proud that I kept my voice matter-of-fact.

Willie guffawed. `You ain`t dead till you`re dead. Jes` focus on getting up that hill.`

Over the radio, I can hear Jesus whimpering. No one comments as Willie shuts off his transmission.

Three musclecars limp up the hill on either side of the Beaster, while an Antagonist keeps up a steady accurate fire. Then we have a stroke of luck.



`You`ll never believe it. That Beaster jes` rammed his own ganger.` Tongues of flame flickered across the hood of the Antagonist and the rate of fire dropped. `We might have a chance.`

I stomped my foot down hard and the car responded sluggishly, four rims digging deep into the surface of the road and throwing sparks in a wide arc. I felt a jolt and looked round in panic.

`That`ll help you.` In the rear-view mirror, I could just see Harrys expressionless mask as he pushes my rear-end up the hill.

`Now, get them off our tail,` he orders as the Flail swerved to pass me, the throaty roar of the 5 litre engine rumbling around the hilltops. I triggered the flaming oil and prayed to whichever deity was listening that I could make it up the hill.



`You two get clear at the top,` instructed Harry. `I`ll set up an ambush and hug `em good.` He threw the Flail into a loop and raced back along an elevated rock formation. I crawled past his hilltop perch, relieved that only the Antagonist and Radon Rancher had stuck to the chase. My relief was short-lived as a carmine beam from a heavy laser sizzled past my right ear.

`It`s kissing time,` screamed Harry. The staccato rhythm of a heavy gatling rent the air. The Antagonist swerved left, narrowly avoiding the plunge into a deep ravine. The Rancher broke right, lurching across tyre-destroying lava fields and coming to rest with its hood wrapped around a decaying tree.



`And we`re home free,` whooped Harry, as we fled across the blasted roadway.

* * *



`That was a disaster,` said Willie. He clasped a field bandage to his left leg and tightened his belt around it.

`Nah,` said Harry. `You`re still alive, aincha? Sides, half our scouts go like that.` On his left hand, the sock puppet smirked. `So, yous all ready to go again?`



* * *



Sheila `Ma` Smith has lived and worked for the Vanguards in Firelight for three years. She is a crack shot and expert tracker. She hopes to settle down to the safe life of writing for a living.


Bountiful!

The most wanted gangs in Evan today are listed below. The bounty listed for each gang is a combination of the amount offered by local vigilante groups and by disgrunted individuals, and represents the amount of money you would expect to be paid for each senior member of the gang you kill.

1. Longos Merry Men (Somerset): $5124.
2. -^-HellRazors-^- (Somerset): $1683.
3. Drive Backwards BFFs (Somerset): $544.
4. The Puke Punchers (Somerset): $430.
5. Wasteland Extravaganza (Somerset): $293.
6. Black Flag (Badlands Truckstop): $219.
7. the mad mad crushers (Somerset): $192.
8. Badland Rudeboys (Badlands Truckstop): $181.

Eugenia Luebke of Soldiers of Eris died at Gates of Somerset.


Cristina `The Surgeon` Taylor of Soldiers of Eris died at Gates of Somerset.


Nancy Mulholland of Geriatric Anarchists died at Somerset Arena.


Art Garfinkel of Cuddle Fiesta died at Gates of Firelight.


Justin Timberlake of Cuddle Fiesta died at Gates of Firelight.


Brandon `Nit` Witman of Knights Of Cydonia died at Gates of Somerset.


`Sexy F`n` Molly Crayton of Drive Backwards BFFs died at Gates of Badlands Truckstop.


James Berry of The Panthers died at Telegraph Road.


Troy `The tank` Damron of Hand Gesture died at Scattered Grounds.


Gregory `I`m not a` Dahl of Hand Gesture died at Scattered Grounds.


Chris Dillinger of Knights Of Cydonia died at Lost Oasis.


Edna Guerrero of We B Right died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


`Lord of War` Nicolas Cage of -^-HellRazors-^- died at Somerset Arena.


John `Potshot` Porter of The Flying Hellfish died at Scattered Grounds.


Herbert Helms of The 4saken died at Interstate Mythos.


`Chugger` Jamison Dean of Mocks Marauders died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Darnell `GREAT` Scott of We B Right died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Johnny Broadwater of The 4saken died at Interstate Mythos.


Earl `El` Elamin of We B Right died at Highway to Hell.


Robbie Knight of Mambas Maniacs died at Highway to Hell.


Chase Dismuke of Mambas Maniacs died at Highway to Hell.


`Fireball` Kristopher Jackson of Mambas Maniacs died at Highway to Hell.


Mary Johnson of The Masked Assains died at Sandy.


Bryan Curtis of Jacks Gunslingers died at Gates of Badlands Truckstop.


Sharon Stone of Digital Thugs died at Lost Oasis.


Christopher Bailey of Digital Thugs died at Lost Oasis.


Robert Carter of MADHAT died at Gates of Somerset.


`Postmankind` Ian Mosely of Produce_Vendors died at Road to Somerset.


Eugene `Hard` Sell of Produce_Vendors died at Interstate Mythos.


Jestine `Rapid Reload` Rambo of Thug Matrix died at Lost Oasis.


James `Gunnery Skill` Weiss of Thug Matrix died at Lost Oasis.


Judy `Drift Queen 2` Bedwell of Initial Drift died at Somerset`s Junkyard, Race Track 2.


Fernando Marion of Batalln de San Patricio died at Scattered Grounds.


Gianna `Maddy` Maddox of Batalln de San Patricio died at Scattered Grounds.


Debbie `Deep` Woods of Batalln de San Patricio died at Scattered Grounds.


Frank Fitzgerald of Zen Psychotics died at Blown With the Wind.


Jeffrey `Mourning` Dew of Zen Psychotics died at Blown With the Wind.


Morris Tucker of Mambas Maniacs died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Jessica `Clutchless` Ackerson of Mans Laughter died at Scattered Grounds.


Sandra Walker of Soldiers of Eris died at Gates of Somerset.


Sean `Algebra` Algarin of Mans Laughter died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


`Wheelman` Tom Prudhomme of Batalln de San Patricio died at Somerset Rally Circuit.


`Chatty` Helen Holman of Drive Backwards BFFs died at Telegraph Road.


Charles Steen of Drive Backwards BFFs died at Telegraph Road.


`Ice` John Myers of BroadRausters died at Road to Somerset.


`Lucky` Luke Pardo of BroadRausters died at Road to Somerset.


Patricia Brown of We B Right died at Road to Elmsfield.


Kenneth Larson of Vigilante Sun died at Lost Oasis.


Grace Berry of Vigilante Sun died at Lost Oasis.


Tonia `Black Thumb` Gardner of Zen Psychotics died at Sandy.


Lizzie Borden of AADA:LA died at Road to Somerset.


Louie `Cabbie` Depalma of Batalln de San Patricio died at Somerset Rally Circuit.


Ashley `wheels` Richardson of Mambas Maniacs died at Northern Desert Circuit.


Minerva Walsh of Cats Laughing died at Somerset Rally Circuit.


`Petty` Andy Crompton of Drive Backwards BFFs died at Gates of Somerset.


Louis Johnson of The Panthers died at Blown With the Wind.


Kenneth Calderon of Legends of the Interstate died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Clarice Waters of Vigilante Sun died at Lost Oasis.


Louise `Lesgirl` Dycus of War Hippies died at Northern Desert Circuit.


Mary `Grease Monkey` Mondragon of Mambas Maniacs died at Northern Desert Circuit.


`Big Don` Donald Amado of The Vanguards died at Forever Yellow Skies.


Jamar Lopez of Hot Buttered Funk died at Gates of Somerset.


Rigoberto Escarcega of Hot Buttered Funk died at Gates of Somerset.


Frank Andrews of the mad mad crushers died at Gates of Elmsfield.


Diego Vass of The 4saken died at Gates of Somerset.


Nellie `Elephant` McKinley of War Hippies died at Gates of Somerset.


Janice Martinez of Legends of the Interstate died at Road to Elmsfield.


Dennis Hesser of The Panthers died at Road to Elmsfield.


Janet Cousin of Vigilante Sun died at Sandy.


Susana Johnson of Vigilante Sun died at Sandy.


Russell Tucker of Knights Of Cydonia died at Road to Somerset.


Patrick McDonald of Knights Of Cydonia died at Road to Somerset.


Steven `Botard` Hyde of Advanced Research Labs died at Once Upon a Town.


Paul `Dutch` Han of Thug Matrix died at Blown With the Wind.


Adrian `Gonzo` Gonzalez of SD Rollers died at Somerset`s Junkyard, Race Track 3.


Necole `Nicki` Whitfield of 88 MPH died at Road to Elmsfield.


Mary `Canner` Cano of 88 MPH died at Road to Elmsfield.


Emilie Smoot of Gun Wolves died at Gates of Somerset.


Rachel Sutter of Scarzams Dragoons died at Lost Oasis.


Sabina `Eyeball` Xavier of Thug Matrix died at Lost Oasis.


Craig `Crackshot` Sayers of Scarzams Dragoons died at Lost Oasis.


Quincy `Sniper` Schwartz of Thug Matrix died at Sandy.


Young Buck of Thug Matrix died at Sandy.


Jeffrey Mitchell of Digital Thugs died at Sandy.


Clarence `B` Good of Burnt Tree Security died at Scattered Grounds.


Alexis `Sabre` Wolf of Burnt Tree Security died at Scattered Grounds.


Felicia `Trigger Happy` Williams of Canis Lupus died at Scattered Grounds.


Marcus Altamirano of Burnt Tree Security died at Scattered Grounds.


Bobby `Clint` Eastwood of Burnt Tree Security died at Scattered Grounds.


Kurt Wells of Road Lords died at Gates of Elmsfield.


Sharon Stine of Hells Saints died at Lost Oasis.


William Martin of The Panthers died at Lost Oasis.


Alex `DownRange` Outland of Gearjammers died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Peter Gabriel of Cuddle Fiesta died at Gates of Firelight.


Lily `Lotus` Lee of Sentinels of Steel died at Road to Somerset.


Christine `Crissy` Crowley of Scarzams Dragoons died at Lost Trail: Broken Ground.


`Snappin` Jay Towles of Produce_Vendors died at Sandy.


Jonathan Drew of Sparrowhawks died at Blown With the Wind.


Michael Burns of Sparrowhawks died at Blown With the Wind.


Brandon `Bruce` Lee of -^-HellRazors-^- died at Once Upon a Town.


Bruce `Xiao Long` Lee of -^-HellRazors-^- died at Once Upon a Town.


Titus `The Titan` Tower of Sentinels of Steel died at Interstate Mythos.


Heidi `Handjob` Ho of Sentinels of Steel died at Pathway to Darkness.


Hector Hall of Sentinels of Steel died at Pathway to Darkness.


Laura Prager of We B Right died at Sandy.


Jared Guevara of Zen Psychotics died at Somerset Dirt Racing Track.


August `Ratchet` Ruiz of Zen Psychotics died at Gates of Somerset.


Jose Juarez of Sparrowhawks died at Blown With the Wind.


`Cruelly Banal` Jesse Crain of Drive Backwards BFFs died at Blown With the Wind.


James `All - In` Allsup of DeathFromAbove died at Dead man`s Road.


James `All - Out` Gandhi of DeathFromAbove died at Dead man`s Road.


Antonio Walters of Red Knights died at Northern Foothills Racetrack (at night).


Marion West of Burnt Tree Security died at Highway to Hell.


Gillian `Dr. DOS` Bates of Cats Laughing died at Northern Farm Land.


Nick `Mad Scientist` Walsh of Cats Laughing died at Northern Farm Land.


Antonio `85` Gates of SD Rollers died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Doris McCormack of The Cosmic Kids died at Gates of Somerset.


`Irish` Shayne McCrady of River Bandits died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Samuel Pierce of Drive Backwards BFFs died at Road to Somerset.


Anthony Desjardins of We B Right died at Road to Elmsfield.


Floyd Montemayor of Vigilante Sun died at Blown With the Wind.


Diane Williams of Vigilante Sun died at Blown With the Wind.


Thomas Sok of Drive Backwards BFFs died at Gates of Firelight.


Long Dong of Drive Backwards BFFs died at Gates of Firelight.


Kelly `Sunshine` Reyes of Longos Merry Men died at Highway to Hell.


Ronald `Ben` Matlock of Longos Merry Men died at Highway to Hell.


Dorian `snapshot` Schofield of Jacks Gunslingers died at Scattered Grounds.


Mike Brant of Gun Wolves died at Lost Oasis.


Justin Moore of The Forsaken died at Northern Farm Land.


Kevin `The Surgeon` Ross of The Forsaken died at Pathway to Darkness.


`Gunny` Freddy Bingham of Comanche died at Sandy.


`Greaselady` Lisa King of Comanche died at Sandy.


`Hawk Eye` Leon Maggard of Comanche died at Sandy.


`Greaser` Edgar Williams of Comanche died at Sandy.


Scott Corona of MADHAT died at Highway to Hell.


`Eng` Edwin Thomas of GovermantResistance died at Gates of Somerset.


`Saint` Mary Willis of Batalln de San Patricio died at Lost Oasis.


Charles `StayOn Target` Murphy of Cats Laughing died at Lost Oasis.


Shannon `Cobra` Costa of Jacks Gunslingers died at Lost Oasis.


`Clawed` Claude Morales of Mambas Maniacs died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


`Luscious` Lucius McKinney of Mambas Maniacs died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Kimberly Gray of Vault Dwellers died at Road to Elmsfield.


Ruby Russell of Vault Dwellers died at Road to Elmsfield.


`Diamond` David O`Neal of Novocaine died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Terry Overstreet of MADHAT died at Highway to Hell.


Lucy Arnold of Road Ronins died at Blown With the Wind.


Eugene Odoms of Marloks died at Dead man`s Road.



Gianna `Maddy` Maddox

Gianna `Maddy` Maddox died in a Dustup from gunshot wounds received while leading a lorry through Scattered Grounds between Gateway and Badlands truckstops. She was Battalion de San Patricio best and only 3rd tier Negotiator earning her a place in the Hall of Fame. Her skills and green Mohawk will be greatly missed.
Also killed in the same incident were truck driver Fernando Marion and ballistics specialist Debbie `Deep` Woods.
Sylvia `Go-Go` Gomez is currently M.I.A. Reports from the Cyber Formation indicate that at one point she had taken control of the lorry and it`s grenade launcher in a last ditch effort to survive before she eventually gave up. When word reached Ben Dover of the San Patricios in Badlands he said `She`s a damn good gunner and can handle a wrench as well as a med kit. Pretty good behind the wheel too. I hope I don`t come up against her working for someone else.`
Nick Chism, the leader of the Battalion, while saddened at the loss of personnel he was quoted as saying `The risk comes with the job.` His greater concern seemed to be the loss of the lorry and it`s cargo and what that would do to `our good name`. When asked how he would replace the lorry which are in short supply he said `Desperate times call for desperate measures.`



Deathsport Leagues

The current leaders of Evan`s major leagues are as follows:

Somerset Combat League - Vigilante Sun
Somerset Deathrace League - War Hippies
Somerset Race League - Advanced Race Labs
Evan Race Ladder - Gearjammers
Evan Deathrace Ladder - Cats Laughing
Evan Arena Combat Ladder - Longos Merry Men

In addition, the leaders of the minor leagues are:

Northern Paintball League - Advanced Race Labs
Somerset Pedestrian Combat #1 League - The Vanguards
Northern Semi-Pro Combat League - Wasteland Extravaganza



May 'Road Rash' Ross

This month, we caught up with May 'Road Rash' Ross of Wasteland Extravaganza, one of Evan`s most skilled scouts.

Current DW Gazette Editors: Sam, Racing Robbie, Ayjona, JD_Basher, Bastille, Rezeak, Fifth, SmokeyKilla.