Mar/Apr
2048
Chicken McSpanky

You may have seen these colourful trucks travelling the length of Evan bringing supposedly `fresh meat` to the McSpanky Family Restaurants TM that have sprung up in all major towns.



They`re owned by the enigmatic Darthspanky, beloved of Traders and scourge of all pirates.

However... just where does he get all the meat? As we know, the only livestock on Evan are the cows and a few sheep kept near Somerset and Elmsfield. Why do we see these trucks bringing meat from the south?

Last time we looked, there weren`t enough rad frogs and mutant snakes to make up all that meat.

But hey, those McSpanky burgers taste soooo good.

Wasteland Extravaganza Win Somerset Pedestrian Combat #1 League

The Somerset Pedestrian Combat #1 League finished, with Wasteland Extravaganza taking the overall victory and a prize of $150000. The runners-up were Longos Merry Men, and finishing in third place overall were Slaythofens.

-^-HellRazors-^- Win Somerset Race League

The Somerset Race League finished, with -^-HellRazors-^- taking the overall victory and a prize of $120000. The runners-up were Wasteland Extravaganza, and finishing in third place overall were SD Rollers.

Oldtimers Curse Newfangled Technology


Citing the recent reinvention of closed-circuit video cameras, many of Darkwind`s `old school` are predicting the decline of civilization.

`This is exactly what went wrong the first time around.` said Dame Mary Waddell of Latte`s Raiders. `First they had TV, then these aweful things called Situation Comedies and next thing you know, global meltdown. Problem was, see, not enough guns.`

While this sentiment seems to be echoed amongst many of the older gangs, the kids just love it. Dick Ford of Guns, Gears, Getaway slid to a stop on his skateboard to comment. `Have you seen event 78651 yet? Oh man, bweeeessht, bweeeessht, bweeeessht, bweeeessht! Darth just totally hands old Sharkie his fin on that one! I`ve watched like a zillion times! It`s the most popular clip on BoomTube! Then there`s that one S78775 Lunacy Vs Death Or Taxes where Lugal rolls out his prototype Landy, which we need to work on some still, but it`s totally sweet how he bounces that Apache like a big rubber ball!`

This reporter is glad to see it, and looks forward to endless hours of reviewing clips, looking for weaknesses, and exploiting...er...digging up the news you expect from the Darkwind Gazette!

The World of Evan According to Basher:

In this edition of the Gazette we look at and describe the Lost Trail: Dead River Map.

ONE entrance/exit of this road will lead you into or out of the central dry-wash-out river bottom. IF you can find it. Once you find the opening to the river bed, you can accelerate from any trailing bad guys with no problems. The majority of the terrain you`ll find are steep rolling sand dunes punctuated with sand pits that can be impossible to get yourself out of if you enter them at too slow a speed. You can, however, run on the ridges of the dunes if you decide to run offroad, only if you pick your course carefully.


Image by Lord Foul

Be careful! The rocky areas here will TEAR your tires apart!....
Keep in the riverbed and you might survive an event in this part of Evan!
Most new drivers that try to go offroad on this map tend to get into more trouble with the terrain than the pirates gave them in the first place. The steep sides of some of these dunes are VERY slippery and will suck your car down to the bottom of a pit before you realize what is happening! They remind this reporter of a small bug, now extinct, called an `Ant Lion` that buried itself underground and set cone shaped pit traps in the sand for any unwary ants that happened to fall or slip into one of the deadly traps. Rumors have been heard that the large subterranean creatures seen long ago might inhabit this area of evan.

Excerpt from the Library of Darkwind: Slavebug: This flesh eating monster lives underground. It has been seen, and reports are that it can grow to at least 2 meters in length. The first sighting was sketchy, but it appears to have no teeth. It is assumed it drags the victim underground where they are injected with a poison/acid that liquefies the unlucky meal, then consumed through a hollow device as yet unknown. From known reports, care must be taken when exiting a vehicle. It appears that ground tremors made by walking may attract these horrors. `Dunes may be especially vulnerable for a nest of these nasties!`


Nathaniel `Ma Deuce` Longfellow of Slaythofens died at Somerset Arena.


Jerry `parked` Parker of Feeding Frenzy died at Somerset`s Junkyard, Race Track 2.


Sharon Mills of Deserters died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Richard Bailey of Deserters died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Michael Shick of Deserters died at Blown With the Wind.


Curtis Goode of Exalted died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Mark Goodrow of Feeding Frenzy died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Sheila `Iza` Marvel of Battalion de San Patricio died at Somerset Arena.


`Yorkshire` Dale Zimmerman of Special Circumstances died at Interstate Mythos.


Kevin `Sir Robin` Jolin of Special Circumstances died at Interstate Mythos.


`Chicken Lady` Gene Biehl of Produce_Vendors died at Road to Somerset.


Derek Dick of Produce_Vendors died at Road to Somerset.


James Kirk of Atomsmasher died at Road to Somerset.


`Miss Daisy` Daina Bingham of Dementia died at Somerset Dirt Racing Track.


Jay Rather of Atomsmasher died at Road to Somerset.


Eric Wyatt of Lattes Raiders died at Gates of Badlands Truckstop.


Heather `Boom Boom` Till of Battalion de San Patricio died at Pathway to Darkness.


Kathryn Truett of Death Jesters died at Somerset Rally Circuit.


Christopher `Thumper` Lanphear of Whiskey Runners died at Highway to Hell.


Michael `Iron Mike` Holmberg of SD Rollers died at Scattered Grounds.


Michael Becnel of Blacktop Bandits died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Ashley `Ash` Smidt of MADHAT died at Scattered Hills.


Vicki Bryant of MADHAT died at Scattered Hills.


Andrew `Hot Lead` Hotchkiss of Feeding Frenzy died at Interstate Mythos.


Lidia `Razorback` Gerow of Red Hot Pukes died at Somerset Arena.


Vanessa `Dueces Wild` Gamble of Rebels died at Somerset Arena.


Hunter `S` Thompson of Guns Gears Getaway died at Somerset Arena.


Eric `Lost One` Ramirez of Luna Sea died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


`Investigator` Selena Cromwell of Vigilante Knights died at Devils Fingers.


`Raver` Kimiko Flood of Vigilante Knights died at Devils Fingers.


Melody Reed of Blacktop Bandits died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Elsa Gilmore of Blacktop Bandits died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Clare `Cheer Leader` Bennet of Retribution Of Metal died at Road to Somerset.


Michael Rosenzweig of the mad mad crushers died at Sandy.


Roderick `RamRod` Winfree of Road Lords died at Somerset Arena.


Rodrigo `Car` Cannon of Road Lords died at Somerset Arena.


Jennifer Lewis of 5ive Crew died at Under a Bloody Red Sky.


Lan Taylor of Feeding Frenzy died at Road to Elmsfield.


Adam `The Hunter` Jaeger of SD Rollers died at Dead man`s Road.


Gabriel `Garcia` Marquez of SD Rollers died at Salt Flats Canyon.


`Seeker` David Delgado of Dementia died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Matthew `Panda` Janda of v.i.n.d.i.c.a.to.r.s. died at Northern Farm Land.


Claude Bolton of Slaythofens died at Somerset Arena.


Stacy Lee of Rebels died at Somerset Arena.


Troy `Full Salvo` Desalvo of Rebels died at Somerset Arena.


Herman Core of Rebels died at Gates of Somerset.


Benjamin Sisco of Atomsmasher died at Gates of Somerset.


Monica Hutchens of Paganus died at Somerset Arena.


Scott `Kestrel` Kessler of Clarinbridge Crushers died at Somerset Arena.


Octavio `Blasta` Huff of Clarinbridge Crushers died at Somerset Arena.


Michelle Barrows of Death Jesters died at Forever Yellow Skies.


`Wild` Willie Gaertner of Burnt Tree Security died at Devils Fingers.


Todd `Stumpy` Perez of Death Jesters died at Forever Yellow Skies.


Debra Irish of Death Jesters died at Forever Yellow Skies.


Gloria Goodspeed of Atomsmasher died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Salvador Daly of LESS THAN CAPS died at Northern Foothills Racetrack (at night).


`El` Salvador Surratt of PendCorp died at Northern Foothills Racetrack (at night).


Calvin `Empty Casing` Merchant of Luna Sea died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


James Riley of Guns Gears Getaway died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Marlene Alexander of Gearjammers died at Scattered Grounds.


Dustin `Hushpuppy` Schuh of Gearjammers died at Forever Yellow Skies.


`Electric` Edward Robinson of The Paranoid Tourists died at Northern Speedway.


Willie Davis of Lattes Raiders died at Gates of Badlands Truckstop.


`Sir` Johnny Beltran of Lattes Raiders died at Gates of Badlands Truckstop.


Irene Smith of Geriatric Anarchists died at Somerset Arena.


`Low` Renee Loera of The Groove Champions died at Road to Elmsfield.


Michael Newton of Cap distributor died at Somerset Arena.


Tim `The Tin Man` Pelkey of MADHAT died at Devils Fingers.


Angela `Big Ang` Shah of MADHAT died at Devils Fingers.


Alfred Trombley of MADHAT died at Devils Fingers.


Marcia Wooten of Holy Mutant Death Squad died at Once Upon a Town.


Man Foster of Longos Merry Men died at Northern Farm Land.


Judith Burgos of v.i.n.d.i.c.a.to.r.s. died at Gates of Firelight.


Howard Smith of MADHAT died at Devils Fingers.


Timothy Owens of MADHAT died at Devils Fingers.


James Felker of MADHAT died at Southern Plateau.


Irving McGehee of MADHAT died at Southern Plateau.


Jo Ring of Legends of the Interstate died at Road to Somerset.


Kevin McWhorter of Legends of the Interstate died at Road to Somerset.


Crystal Nolasco of Kitchens died at Somerset Arena.


Robert Halfacre of Deserters died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Miss `informed` Marvel of Deserters died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


William `WILD BILL` Perez of Longos Merry Men died at Salt Flats Canyon.


Jean Wulf of The Urgs died at Somerset`s Junkyard, Race Track 1.


`Paramedic` Johnny Gage of Battalion de San Patricio died at Lost Trail: Dead River.


William Bonney of Battalion de San Patricio died at Lost Trail: Dead River.


`Mrs.` Laura Johnson of Battalion de San Patricio died at Lost Trail: Dead River.


`Mr.` James Johnson of Battalion de San Patricio died at Lost Trail: Dead River.


James Bosco of Dementia died at Somerset Rally Circuit.


Bart Obando of Holy Mutant Death Squad died at Somerset Arena.


Dale `Flappy Paddle` Flannigan of PendCorp died at Salt Flats Canyon.


Andrew `Hot Lead` Hotchkiss of Feeding Frenzy died at Gates of Somerset.


Adam Douglas of Atomsmasher died at Telegraph Road.


Derek McCullough of Atomsmasher died at Telegraph Road.


Joy `Jo-Jo` Adams of MADHAT died at Southern Plateau.


Mary Parry of MADHAT died at Southern Plateau.


Michael McFarland of the mad mad crushers died at Road to Somerset.


Kristine Levesque of the mad mad crushers died at Road to Somerset.


Luke Yancey of the mad mad crushers died at Gates of Somerset.


Tristan Klein of the mad mad crushers died at Gates of Somerset.


Adrian Landry of the mad mad crushers died at Gates of Somerset.


Jason Ott of the mad mad crushers died at Gates of Somerset.


Gail Whipple of the mad mad crushers died at Gates of Somerset.


Rogelio `Sticks` Walker of Retribution Of Metal died at Under a Bloody Red Sky.


Michael Barnett of The 4saken died at Devils Fingers.


Oscar Bush of The 4saken died at Forever Yellow Skies.


Helen `The Butcher` Waldron of Special Circumstances died at Somerset`s Junkyard, Race Track 3.


Barbara Garr of Whiskey Runners died at Scattered Grounds.


Larry Allman of Feeding Frenzy died at Gates of Somerset.


Gregory Hanson of Bladerunners died at Road to Somerset.


Marc `All Round ` Emery of Los Banditos Marodos Negras died at Interstate Mythos.


Richard Harvard of Blacktop Bandits died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Phil `Jay` Fry of Holy Mutant Death Squad died at Road to Somerset.


Kira `Moon-shot` Osburn of Geriatric Anarchists died at Somerset Arena.


Steve McQueen of Guns Gears Getaway died at Pathway to Darkness.


Marcella `Do NOT Panic` Horvath of Guns Gears Getaway died at Pathway to Darkness.


Alicia `Stuckin` Lemire of Riotous Assembly died at Scattered Hills.


Harry `Hitter` Tyson of Riotous Assembly died at Scattered Hills.


Stephen Gonzalez of Retribution Of Metal died at Road to Somerset.



Public Enemy

The most wanted gangs in Evan today are listed below. The bounty listed for each gang is a combination of the amount offered by local vigilante groups and by disgrunted individuals, and represents the amount of money you would expect to be paid for each senior member of the gang you kill.

1. Longos Merry Men (Somerset): $8101.
2. Wasteland Extravaganza (Somerset): $4643.
3. Riotous Assembly (Somerset): $2446.
4. The Cosmic Kids (Somerset): $944.
5. Butane (Badlands Truckstop): $163.
6. Canis Lupus (Somerset): $155.
7. Rebels (Somerset): $132.
8. Feeding Frenzy (Somerset): $131.

First Blood

by Forsaken


`Time to get our feet wet,` said Tracey `Macho` McGuire, leader of 4saken`s Sarsfield crew.

Their first run in Sars would use all the resources available to them. Their apache, still in its Badlands configuration, a 4.0 phoenix fitted with only an HMG, and all 5 of the crew the gang had in the town, himself included.

The apache, `Badpache` as they called it, would do most of the work. The phoenix would serve to sew confusion and work the flanks. Simple enough.

In theory anyway.

Five enemies. The terrain seemed easy enough to work with. But somehow the plan never worked out. Just too many of them, too much firepower hitting again and again. Soon enough the pirates had the two vehicles split up, each fighting for their lives.

The apache was a mess. The armor was hardy enough to take another machine gun hit, let alone survive the full onslaught of a fresh antagonist. To make things worse, one of the pirates who had been playing dead to some degree was now intending to use his remaining machine gun to turn the tide of battle.

Meanwhile the phoenix was no better. It had been in a dogfight with two enemy pheonixes and a pickup to boot. Albert Sterns, having only recently qualified for his heavy gunner spec, was on the HMG, and Paula Warren, a new recruit, was behind the wheel.

One of the pirates was down but at the price of the nix`s right side armor. And aside from the front, there wasn`t much armor left to speak of elsewhere, for that matter. It was all Paula could do to see through the engine smoke and still drive.

`Just keep driving,` said Albert.

`We`re dead if we keep driving!` she shouted over the sounds of the engine grinding and unrelenting gunfire behind them. Paula was new but she had already been through hell, having been the first in the gang to traverse the 1100+ miles from Badlands and report back. `Just let me turn on him! We can take him, front`s still in good shape.`

`No, the pickup`s too close. He`ll tear us to shreds even if we can fight the other one.` It was a hard thing for Albert to admit. His trigger finger was really itching to finish this. And it would only be a matter of time before the pirates` phoenix caught up. If they could just make it a little farther. Maybe he would slide out, or maybe he was out of ammo, or maybe the Badpache could finish up with it`s combat and come to the rescue.

Up until now Albert was always the front gunner on the `pache. It was so safe and inviting, even in the hell of the badlands, compared to this flimsy deathtrap, he thought to himself. All he could do was hope for the best and try to keep himself calm.

McGuire was calling through the radio, his voice barely recognizable over the ever-present distortion of the auroras.

`in real trouble here... you`re on your own... get yourselves out of there...`

Just then a good burst flew into them, the bullets slamming into various things on the inside of the cabin. The engine changed pitch again, lower still. The enemy car had just crested a hill, finally getting a clean shot on them. There was nowhere to hide now.

`I`m hit!` called Paula. Albert looked back to her side of the car. Blood was spattered across the inside of the windscreen and she had a frightened look on her face. He checked his gun. It hadn`t been damaged.

Albert didn`t even say anything. He just nodded to her, once, purposefully.

Paula jammed the wheel hard, pulling the car into what was almost a 60mph T-stop. The enemy tried to follow suit but was a hair to late and too fast. Albert jammed the gun as far over as it would go, waiting for the shot. He could see the expression on the other driver`s face. Their side was open to them. They had been made.

Paula guided the front of the car like pointing a finger, and Albert laid down on the trigger, tracking the enemy car with its bullets. The phoenix armor was no match for sustained fire from an HMG and it was not long before he could see shrapnel flying around inside their car.

They finally got their fresh rear armor to protect them and Albert risked a glance back towards the pickup. They would have a few seconds more time, it looked like.

Albert steeled his jaw and kept laying into them. `Just a little more, we almost have them!`

Just then his gun went dry. Reflexively he reached back for the clip from his custom made rig. His hand only met jagged metal.

`Crap, we`re out! That`s it. Finished. Get us the hell out of here!`

Paula had the perfect kill lined up. They were almost close enough to ram. She cursed then pulled the wheel hard. The enemy Flame riddled them with more bullets from its rear gun, but they somehow manged to get some intervening terrain in the way to save them.

`Circle all the way around this crater,` he said. `It`s the only chance we got.`

`This engine doesn`t have much left in it,` she said grimly.

Albert checked up on the other crew. They were in a world of troubles of their own. Albert wished them luck. It was really all he could do.

Paula had done a good bit of clever avoiding to try to minimize the effect of the pickup but the Flame, rather than chase them around the hill, had turned to try to cut them off.

Albert had heard tales of what a car rife round could do to an exposed crewman but he had never witnessed it firsthand. Just as he heard the impossibly loud Crack! of the gun`s retort Paula`s head flew apart and blood splattered everywhere.

Albert blinked a few times. Paula`s body slumped forward and jammed the steering wheel to one side, sending the car into a lazy death-spiral, engine crippled, weaponless, and with almost no armor left and enemies all about.

Albert sat back and sighed. Then, having really nothing better to do, he climbed over and tried to take over driving. He did his best not to look out the windows. Maybe if he covered his eyes, he thought, they would go away.

Some time later that week, or so it seemed, he was behind the wheel. He had been talking with McGuire on the handheld, perhaps. They had managed to outsmart the Antag, and having a rear gun didn`t hurt either. So there was still some hope there.

Albert was driving, more or less. Scenery was still moving by. He wasn`t alone. There was a pickup and another phoenix along for the ride as well. He would see if he could lose them on this bad spot on the side of of the path. It looked nasty. A car could get caught in there and not drive out, he thought to himself. Wonder if I can make it? Let`s see if they can follow me.

A machine gun burst to the inside of his vehicle woke up from his daze. It missed him, but ripped into the engine. On the bright side, he actually had ran along the edge of the drop-off, and one of the enemies had already slid down. Now for the other. Just then McGuire came through on the radio.

`status?`

Albert shook himself alert and answered, `not good, boss.. still alive... car trashed... one more chasing...` He couldn`t figure out if he had already told McGuire about Paula`s death. The enemy Flame was starting to work its way out of the pit. Albert started looking for a good place to bail out and take up a position with his rifle, like `Macho` McGuire had had to do on the last scout. Albert made it a point to always carry four clips. McGuire had used up two.

The engine lurched on, a cylinder or two firing just enough to keep it rolling. He wasn`t sure it would make it to a safe spot for him to bail to in time. Still, for the moment at least, it was going faster than he could run, so he held with it a little longer.

The Flame was out. Albert held his breath. There would be no chance of outrunning it. It pulled forwards toward him, then slowed and turned back. They had had enough as well. Their crew could not be feeling good either. He had seen the blood on their windows. They had taken their parting shots, but they didn`t have any fight left in them.

Albert called back, `evaded... you guys still there?.. trying to escape...`

`yeah, we`re making our way out... try to save the car... [garbled] all we have... can`t fight if get jumped again... see you at gates...`

`see you at gates` he called into the mic.

There was a bit of downhill and the car still had its momentum. It looked like he could get far enough away that he could duck somewhere and wait until it was safe to try to carry on.

At least until they got to the Sarsfield gates. Pirates were known to lay in wait there for returning gangs such as his.

But, in the meantime, he was alive.

`You did good, kid,` he said, slapping Paula`s corpse on the shoulder. `Real good.`

She was still warm to the touch.



Leagues Roundup

The current leaders of Evan`s major leagues are as follows:

Evan Race Ladder - Guns Gears Getaway
Evan Deathrace Ladder - Guns Gears Getaway
Evan Arena Combat Ladder - Guns Gears Getaway
Evan Paintball Combat Ladder - Holy Mutant Death Squad

In addition, the leaders of the minor leagues are:

Somerset Pedestrian Combat #1 League - Slaythofens
Somerset Race League - Guns Gears Getaway
Northern Semi-Pro Combat League - Feeding Frenzy
Northern Paintball League - DeathFromAbove

Current DW Gazette Editors: Sam, Hati, Racing Robbie, Bastille, Rezeak, SmokeyKilla.